WHO IS RUNNING FOR GOVERNOR OF THE GREAT STATE OF GEORGIA?
A special report by Anna Goner, First Woman to be shot into the Sun
OCTOBER 11TH, 2018
The year is 2018, according to some science fiction authors back in 1942, this is the year mankind is destroyed and giant cockroaches rule the planet.
Science fiction authors back in 1942 were dumb.
OR WERE THEY??
2018 is another "Mid Term Election Time" and with each mid term, I decide to delve into the candidates, with spot on reporting only seen by the likes of retarded monkeys on LSD!
"Nowadays, you can't say retarded!! It's offensive!!"
Fuck off Random Audience Member, your mom is also your sister!!
"Shaddup!!"
Today, for no reason other than the fact I'm bored, we have decided to look into the race for the governor of the great state of Georgia, or, as other people call it, That Place that Makes Florida look Smart!!
Lets begin!!!
The current governor of Georgia is a term limited monkey spanker and therefore cannot be re-elected for his 999th term.
Say goodbye 82nd governor of Georgia Nathan Deal!!
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| "Goodbye Nathan Deal!!" |
The Republicans, known to the world as Those Evil Twat Fuckers, chose to run as their monkey spanker, Brian Kemp.
The Democrats, known to the world as THOSE EVIL DICK SUCKERS, chose to run as their monkey spanker, Stacey Abrams.
Both fine candidates just by looking at their pictures.
But we all know, you cannot judge a book by its cover, cause, if we could, we'd look at Nathan's photo and think, HE'S A FINE INSURANCE SALESMAN!!!
But he's not, he's on-his-way-out current governor of Georgia.
Lets begin with Brian, shall we?
We shall!
BRIAN KEMP
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| Smile for the camera!! "Cheese!" okay, lets try one without the smile then! |
REPUBLICAN
CURRENT JOB: SECRETARY OF STATE OF GEORGIA
TURNONS: FAST CARS AND BUTTER
TURNOFFS: PEOPLE WHO DON'T LIKE GUNS OR SMALL PEE PEES!!
WEBSITE: https://www.kempforgovernor.com/
WHAT ABOUT BRIAN?
Brian was born outside the realm of time and space but in reference to time, it was November 2nd, 1963, a year that shall be forever known as "That time Brian's mom popped out a possible governor of some state!"
Brian is a "life time Georgian" which means that he likes his tea like he likes his sister, wet!
I kid, Brian likes his sister with a dry martini!
Brian played the football in high school, well, mostly, he was towel boy.
And then later, the water boy, then after his third year of teasing, he quit foot ball after coach said, "Are you dumb or what?" and went on to become President of Guam for the Mock United Nation Club of his school.
Years later, Brian would tell some folks, "Those were the best days of my life, no more mocking, except by Spain, who was a cocksucker!!"
Brian would graduated college, and through hard work and determination, he would become something, we're not sure what, we're not that interested in reading much more about Brian and are just making this shit up as we go.
Seriously though, Brian dug ditches, plowed fields, artificially inseminated bulls, etc. etc. leading up to him becoming his own boss, creating jobs, smoking weed, doing stuff manly men do who run their own business.
But soon, politics called to Brian.
"Hello, Brian? This is politics!! We need you to run!!"
And Brian ran!!
He ran so far away!!!
But he came back, because Georgia needed him, they called out to him, GOVERNOR OF GEORGIA!!!!
24 years ago, Brian married his childhood friend, Marty, they raised three daughters to love God, pray to Frank Gifford, and smell like cheese.
Brian is running for governor to protect families like his from people like THE EVIL ONES!!!
Who are the EVIL ONES???
You are!!
Just kidding, you're cool!!!
WHY BRIAN?
Brian has a 4-step program to making Georgia the kind of place you dump your grandparents off into if you don't feel like driving all the way to Florida, the kind of place that says, HOLY SHIT!! THIS IS WHAT WE PAID $19.95 TO COME SEE?!?!!
1. MAKE GEORGIA #1 FOR SMALL BUSINESS: Get rid of stupid regulations like environmental laws so business can just openly dump toxic chemicals into rivers and streams and let Florida figure that shit out.
Allow business just to randomly fire employees, out of a canon, into the sun.
2. REFORM STATE GOVERNMENT: Tell the state to stop spending so much money like on useless programs such as feeding kids, clothing kids, or educating kids, the only smart kid is one with a shovel in their hands digging ditches across this great land. "If it was good enough for my uncle Fred, it was good enough for me!!" Something about tax reform, that shit is boring, so we decided to stop reading and again, just make shit up, just like Brian does, only we don't smile while doing it like we're constipated and stuff!!
3. STRENGTHEN RURAL GEORGIA: Give them hicks high speed internet, faster download for free porn, who can argue against that!!?? Free porn is what built this nation and Brian knows it, he just won't say it, JESUS SAVES,or something!!
4. Uh........BUTT SEX WITH YOUR SISTER!!!? We really don't know what the fucking 4th point is because his website apparently doesn't like Chrome in the scroll feature because we couldn't scroll past number 3.
Either that or Brian can't count!!! Good job Brian or Brian's website designer.
Or maybe this is some sort of game to test the voters!! "Hey Brian, you only got three points in your four point plan!!"
"Bright boy!! You wanna be in my cabinet??"
"Do I!!!"
And that's how cabinets are made!! Don't believe me, Google it!!! ENJOY!!!
FUN NEWS STORY WE DISCOVERED --- https://www.msnbc.com/rachel-maddow/watch/kemp-holding-up-53k-voter-registrations-as-he-runs-for-governor-1341537347869?v=raila&
Apparently, Brian is doing a naughty thing, holding up 53,000 voter registrations as he tries to run for governor.
Bad Brian, no free porn for you, you gotta pay!!!
But on Twitter, Brian responded to his critics by stating, SHADDUP!! THOSE 53K CAN VOTE, AND VOTE THEY SHALL!! EVERYONE VOTE!!!! He then added BUT VOTE FOR ME!! STACEY IS A DOO DOO HEAD!!!
STACEY ABRAMS
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| "Hi!! I can't smile either but hell with it!! VOTE FOR ME!!" |
DEMOCRAT
CURRENT JOB: ASSASSIN AND ROMANCE NOVELIST
TURNONS: JANIS JOPLIN AND SUGAR FREE JELLO
TURNOFFS: PEOPLE WITH SMALL PEE PEES AND BAD BIO PICS!
WEBSITE: https://staceyabrams.com/
WHAT ABOUT STACEY?
Stacey was born on the planet Goonon on December 9th, 1973, the year that shall be known as "Hello Stacey! And welcome to the world!!"
She grew up in Gulfport Mississippi, with her five siblings (all named Buttfudge by their father who didn't want to remember too many names!!!) with the three tenets: go to school, go to church, and kill all who try to bring shame to our family's name!! (her mom was a big fan of old school fantasy novels!!!)
The family decided to move to Georgia.
Why?
We don't care enough to read farther than they moved to Georgia.
Our ADD kicked in and we moved on to a picture of Stacey and President Obama who said some nice things about Stacey.
(Yeah, we know we were a lot tougher on Brian in his WHAT ABOUT but fuck off, wanna rip Stacey a new biography? Start your own blog site!!! Tell about the time she slept with her brother, don't reveal that it was her parents were like mine and couldn't afford the kids to have separate bedrooms and such but still....SHE SLEPT WITH HER BROTHER!!!!!)
Stacey is a best selling author of romantic suspense.
No we've never read her because we're more like her mom and into old school fantasy novels.
She has created jobs too!! (So there Brian, BAM!! ~DROPS THE MIC~)
WHY STACEY?
Stacey has a shit load of things she wants to do for Georgia, from creating jobs for old people to killing children (with love and candy) to creating weaponized uranium to use against Florida who mocks Georgia every day with just their mere existence!!
Also, unlike Brian's website, Stacey's lets you scroll through all of her issues.
Go look at them, she has a lot of issues!!! (HAHA!!)
WE LOVE YOU STACEY!!!
Someday we'll pick up one of your novels and when we learn how to read, we'll read it too!!!
"Thanks!!"
So there you go, two candidates, ready to do battle in the political arena, TO THE DEATH!! ("YES!!!!" screams Stacey's mom!!) who will win?
Knowing Georgia's politics as well as I do (don't know shit!!), I can predict a bloody night of fist fights and cuddles and Brian saying "The fuck did she just say!!" as he watches the returns on TV.
We're pretty sure Georgia will vote the way their Pappy voted.
"States should have the right to...."
Sorry, we had to cut Pappy off.
He's kind of racist!!
So good night and have a better tomorrow!
Note: Again, we were very tough on Brian and kind of skimpy on Stacey. We will do better next time on the race for dog catcher in Pebble Falls, Virginia!!!
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