I AM RUNNING FOR GOVERNOR OF THE GREAT STATE OF GEORGIA - A POLITICAL BULLSHIT POST

I AM RUNNING FOR GOVERNOR OF THE GREAT STATE OF GEORGIA

A POLITICAL BULLSHIT STORM POST  

by 

BOB XAVIER WILLIAMS, PhD (I've dug post holes!! It sucks!!)

"I don't do smiles, just take the fucking picture!"

So today, bored, I wrote a blog entry to this wonderful blog series called WHO DA FUCK IS RUNNING FOR GOVERNOR OF THE GREAT STATE OF GEORGIA (If you haven't read it, why not? GO READ!! It's very in-depth and really covers the candidates fairly!! Brian Kemp's lawyers have already contacted us!!! And well, we told them KISS MY GINGER ASS!!!) and while in my bed, reading my 10,000th reply to a YouTuber I'm stalking, I mean, following I thought to myself,

I COULD BE GOVERNOR OF THE GREAT STATE OF GEORGIA!!!!

"But Bob, " some random audience member interrupts from the crowd, "You don't live in Georgia!!"

What does that have to do with the price of tea in China?

"What?"

Exactly.

So today, a little under a month to go till election (November 6th people is fast approaching!! If you're not registered, you're fucked!! But probably some candidate has already used your information and voted for themselves anyways!! Senators are evil pricks!! I want to be Senator from the Great State of Georgia but well, this will do just fine!!!) I am announcing my candidacy for the position!!!

WHAT ABOUT BOB?

Bob X. Williams was born Jessica Samantha Smith on a warm summer night on July 16th, 1971 in the high mountains of Nebraska to Xanadu and Pippy Hartford in their summer home there.

In school, Bob exceeded at many things, like recess and nap time, sometimes arts and crafts, but only when pull tabs from beer cans were involved (kids, back in the day, teachers were allowed to make you do art projects, mostly involving clay, that included these things called pull tabs that came off of beer cans, ask your mom about it!! She knows all about pull tabs!!!).

He graduated 636 out of 1237 from Rick Dawnson School for the Creative Genius High School in Howzaboutthat, Alabama and soon found himself (though never playing before) as quarterback for the University of Alabama football team, where he took them to the Rose Bowl (but ticket prices were too much, so instead, the team went to Fridays and got drunk on 2 for 1 drinks!! Life's a party, LIVE IT!! was the motto of the University of Alabama football team at the time!!!)

Bob graduated with a 2.0 average (alcohol blood level) and a 1.3 grade point average and soon found himself out on the mean streets of post-academic life.

Sad really.

But he soon found a job as a clean up person at a local "Adult Video Booth" facility where he met his current life mate and wife, Samantha Shields.

They had 3 beautiful kids (and 14 ugly ones that had to be aborted due to them being ugly!!) and a dog they named Poo.

Cause he shits everywhere.

Bob believes hard work is for suckers and oops....I mean....Bob believes hard work and determination makes the world go around.

WHY BOB?

Bob grew up with the ideals that money doesn't grow on trees, monkeys don't really like being shot into space, and dreams (wet or otherwise) can come true if only if you could win the lottery.

Bob has a 999 points plan of Making The State of Georgia a better place, a plan he calls "THE PLAN TO BEGIN MY REIGN AS DICTATOR FOR LIFE OF THE WORLD!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!" or maybe 999 POINTS OF LIGHTS TO MAKE GEORGIA A BETTER PLACE!!!

1.  Create jobs.  Good jobs. Jobs that pay more than $4.25 a day. Jobs with neat titles like store manager and cheese maker.  Would you like that? Course you would!! Who wouldn't!!! Vote for Bob and he'll get you that job. Maybe one with a hat. And your very own mop!! You like mops don't you? Course you do!!!

2. Education. Bob believes an educated kid is a good kid. Bob believes kids should be educated, things like Hillary Clinton is evil, Commies are bad, and rice pudding shouldn't be shoved up your ass.  That's evil, not what Jesus preached. Homosexuals are bad too.  Things that should be taught in schools, not things like the Earth is round and Global Weather Change is real!!

They not!

3. Monkeys. Monkeys will be the death of the human race. They will enslave us and stuff. Bob watched a documentary on TV the other night called PLANET OF THE APES.  It shows how in the future how the apes take over the world and enslave mankind. We must stop this from happening and kill all monkeys, apes, and other such things by deregulating the environmental controls we have been burdened with by a corrupt government who thinks monkeys are cute.  

Monkeys are the evil!!!!

4. Fornicating with your sister. Bob believes it's okay to fornicate with your sister, it shouldn't be a crime, if she's not good enough for your own family, she shouldn't be good enough for some other, or however that joke goes.  This was suppose to be about gun control but Bob was sleepy when we started this and kind of drifted off the script by the end. We're sorry.  Bob doesn't really believe that having sex with your sister is good.

"Do so monkey loving commie!!!"

We don't really have 999 points but 4 points sounds lazy so......

VOTE BOB X. WILLIAMS, you know you want too!!!!

Good night and have a better tomorrow!!!

WHO IS RUNNING FOR GOVERNOR OF THE GREAT STATE OF GEORGIA?

WHO IS RUNNING FOR GOVERNOR OF THE GREAT STATE OF GEORGIA?

A special report by Anna Goner, First Woman to be shot into the Sun

OCTOBER 11TH, 2018

The year is 2018, according to some science fiction authors back in 1942, this is the year mankind is destroyed and giant cockroaches rule the planet.

Science fiction authors back in 1942 were dumb.

OR WERE THEY??

2018 is another "Mid Term Election Time" and with each mid term, I decide to delve into the candidates, with spot on reporting only seen by the likes of retarded monkeys on LSD!

"Nowadays, you can't say retarded!! It's offensive!!"

Fuck off Random Audience Member, your mom is also your sister!!

"Shaddup!!"

Today, for no reason other than the fact I'm bored, we have decided to look into the race for the governor of the great state of Georgia, or, as other people call it, That Place that Makes Florida look Smart!!

Lets begin!!!

The current governor of Georgia is a term limited monkey spanker and therefore cannot be re-elected for his 999th term. 

Say goodbye 82nd governor of Georgia Nathan Deal!!

"Goodbye Nathan Deal!!"

So that means, we have two brand spanking new to the job of the Governorship and what a pair.

The Republicans, known to the world as Those Evil Twat Fuckers, chose to run as their monkey spanker, Brian Kemp.

The Democrats, known to the world as THOSE EVIL DICK SUCKERS, chose to run as their monkey spanker, Stacey Abrams.

Both fine candidates just by looking at their pictures.

But we all know, you cannot judge a book by its cover, cause, if we could, we'd look at Nathan's photo and think, HE'S A FINE INSURANCE SALESMAN!!! 

But he's not, he's on-his-way-out current governor of Georgia.

Lets begin with Brian, shall we?

We shall!

BRIAN KEMP

Smile for the camera!! "Cheese!" okay, lets try one without the smile then!

REPUBLICAN

CURRENT JOB: SECRETARY OF STATE OF GEORGIA

TURNONS: FAST CARS AND BUTTER

TURNOFFS: PEOPLE WHO DON'T LIKE GUNS OR SMALL PEE PEES!!

WEBSITE: https://www.kempforgovernor.com/

WHAT ABOUT BRIAN?

Brian was born outside the realm of time and space but in reference to time, it was November 2nd, 1963, a year that shall be forever known as "That time Brian's mom popped out a possible governor of some state!"

Brian is a "life time Georgian" which means that he likes his tea like he likes his sister, wet!

I kid, Brian likes his sister with a dry martini!

Brian played the football in high school, well, mostly, he was towel boy.  

And then later, the water boy, then after his third year of teasing, he quit foot ball after coach said, "Are you dumb or what?" and went on to become President of Guam for the Mock United Nation Club of his school.

Years later, Brian would tell some folks, "Those were the best days of my life, no more mocking, except by Spain, who was a cocksucker!!"

Brian would graduated college, and through hard work and determination, he would become something, we're not sure what, we're not that interested in reading much more about Brian and are just making this shit up as we go.

Seriously though, Brian dug ditches, plowed fields, artificially inseminated bulls, etc. etc. leading up to him becoming his own boss, creating jobs, smoking weed, doing stuff manly men do who run their own business.

But soon, politics called to Brian.

"Hello, Brian? This is politics!! We need you to run!!"

And Brian ran!!

He ran so far away!!!

But he came back, because Georgia needed him, they called out to him, GOVERNOR OF GEORGIA!!!!

24 years ago, Brian married his childhood friend, Marty, they raised three daughters to love God, pray to Frank Gifford, and smell like cheese.

Brian is running for governor to protect families like his from people like THE EVIL ONES!!!

Who are the EVIL ONES???

You are!!

Just kidding, you're cool!!!

WHY BRIAN?

Brian has a 4-step program to making Georgia the kind of place you dump your grandparents off into if you don't feel like driving all the way to Florida, the kind of place that says, HOLY SHIT!! THIS IS WHAT WE PAID $19.95 TO COME SEE?!?!!

1. MAKE GEORGIA #1 FOR SMALL BUSINESS: Get rid of stupid regulations like environmental laws so business can just openly dump toxic chemicals into rivers and streams and let Florida figure that shit out.   

Allow business just to randomly fire employees, out of a canon, into the sun.  

2. REFORM STATE GOVERNMENT: Tell the state to stop spending so much money like on useless programs such as feeding kids, clothing kids, or educating kids, the only smart kid is one with a shovel in their hands digging ditches across this great land.  "If it was good enough for my uncle Fred, it was good enough for me!!"  Something about tax reform, that shit is boring, so we decided to stop reading and again, just make shit up, just like Brian does, only we don't smile while doing it like we're constipated and stuff!!

3. STRENGTHEN RURAL GEORGIA:  Give them hicks high speed internet, faster download for free porn, who can argue against that!!?? Free porn is what built this nation and Brian knows it, he just won't say it, JESUS SAVES,or something!!

4. Uh........BUTT SEX WITH YOUR SISTER!!!? We really don't know what the fucking 4th point is because his website apparently doesn't like Chrome in the scroll feature because we couldn't scroll past number 3.  

Either that or Brian can't count!!!  Good job Brian or Brian's website designer.

Or maybe this is some sort of game to test the voters!! "Hey Brian, you only got three points in your four point plan!!"

"Bright boy!! You wanna be in my cabinet??"

"Do I!!!"

And that's how cabinets are made!! Don't believe me, Google it!!! ENJOY!!!

FUN NEWS STORY WE DISCOVERED --- https://www.msnbc.com/rachel-maddow/watch/kemp-holding-up-53k-voter-registrations-as-he-runs-for-governor-1341537347869?v=raila&

Apparently, Brian is doing a naughty thing, holding up 53,000 voter registrations as he tries to run for governor.

Bad Brian, no free porn for you, you gotta pay!!!

But on Twitter, Brian responded to his critics by stating, SHADDUP!! THOSE 53K CAN VOTE, AND VOTE THEY SHALL!! EVERYONE VOTE!!!! He then added BUT VOTE FOR ME!! STACEY IS A DOO DOO HEAD!!!

STACEY ABRAMS

"Hi!! I can't smile either but hell with it!! VOTE FOR ME!!"

DEMOCRAT

CURRENT JOB: ASSASSIN AND ROMANCE NOVELIST

TURNONS: JANIS JOPLIN AND SUGAR FREE JELLO

TURNOFFS: PEOPLE WITH SMALL PEE PEES AND BAD BIO PICS!

WEBSITE: https://staceyabrams.com/

WHAT ABOUT STACEY?

Stacey was born on the planet Goonon on December 9th, 1973, the year that shall be known as "Hello Stacey! And welcome to the world!!"

She grew up in Gulfport Mississippi, with her five siblings (all named Buttfudge by their father who didn't want to remember too many names!!!) with the three tenets: go to school, go to church, and kill all who try to bring shame to our family's name!! (her mom was a big fan of old school fantasy novels!!!)

The family decided to move to Georgia.

Why?

We don't care enough to read farther than they moved to Georgia.

Our ADD kicked in and we moved on to a picture of Stacey and President Obama who said some nice things about Stacey.

(Yeah, we know we were a lot tougher on Brian in his WHAT ABOUT but fuck off, wanna rip Stacey a new biography? Start your own blog site!!! Tell about the time she slept with her brother, don't reveal that it was her parents were like mine and couldn't afford the kids to have separate bedrooms and such but still....SHE SLEPT WITH HER BROTHER!!!!!)

Stacey is a best selling author of romantic suspense. 

No we've never read her because we're more like her mom and into old school fantasy novels.

She has created jobs too!! (So there Brian, BAM!! ~DROPS THE MIC~)

WHY STACEY?

Stacey has a shit load of things she wants to do for Georgia, from creating jobs for old people to killing children (with love and candy) to creating weaponized uranium to use against Florida who mocks Georgia every day with just their mere existence!!

Also, unlike Brian's website, Stacey's lets you scroll through all of her issues.

Go look at them, she has a lot of issues!!! (HAHA!!)

WE LOVE YOU STACEY!!!

Someday we'll pick up one of your novels and when we learn how to read, we'll read it too!!!

"Thanks!!"

So there you go, two candidates, ready to do battle in the political arena, TO THE DEATH!! ("YES!!!!" screams Stacey's mom!!) who will win?

Knowing Georgia's politics as well as I do (don't know shit!!), I can predict a bloody night of fist fights and cuddles and Brian saying "The fuck did she just say!!" as he watches the returns on TV.

We're pretty sure Georgia will vote the way their Pappy voted.

"States should have the right to...."

Sorry, we had to cut Pappy off.

He's kind of racist!!

So good night and have a better tomorrow!

Note: Again, we were very tough on Brian and kind of skimpy on Stacey.  We will do better next time on the race for dog catcher in Pebble Falls, Virginia!!!