WHY I STOPPED WANTING TO BE PRESIDENT
Inspired by William Burroughs
by
A Random Citizen
1996 -- the year I learned that I wasn't meant for politics.
Even before then, I never wanted to be President of the United States of America, it seemed like a thankless job even for the best of the best; and I am far from the best of anything.
In 1996, I was looking for work, ways to make a paycheck, and one of my family's friend worked for a Senator for the great State of Montana.
He was up for re-election and was campaigning for the good of the country and my friend was like, "You'd be perfect!!"
She didn't tell me that five other people had ran off after seeing the piles of work that were to be done; she lied to me,telling me it was basic computer work, data entry mostly, updating their supposedly all ready worked data base (side note: They had paid some company over $10,000 to update this thing, removing the dead, the changed party, etc. Apparently, I would later find out, as I got to call supposed alive Democrats from that database, the company did a shit job for that $10,000 as widows cried or some fellow yelled at me he was now a Republican and to remove him from my list. My list?? Kiss off Henry, you're getting added to next year's call me every day for ten weeks list!!!!)
It turned into many, many weeks, huddled around the office, trying to contact people to help "Get out the vote" who wouldn't help till that last minute, so they could take credit for a job well done, pulling our butts out of the fire; not hours, but days, I'm not joking.
I had a rifle stuck out the door at one place we stopped to ask if they would let us put a sign on their lawn, calling us "Baby killers", to get off their porch before they shot us dead!
"So can we count on your vote in November?"
All for the low pay of $500 for two months of running around; finding out I'm not meant for politics, let alone life, and my dreams of becoming a dancer were squashed as well as I twisted my ankle trying to run to the post office across the street, slipping on some ice, and falling hard on my butt one day.
(Side note- I was told there'd probably be a bonus, a BIG bonus at the end, but I guess there wasn't enough money left for my bonus, after they paid off the cocaine and hooker bill!!!)
I learned the only difference between a Republican and a Democrat is the color of their ties.
And one likes bourbon in their gin.
I learned that politicians will tell you one thing and hump your butt with their fist!
When I was a child, going to elementary school, back in the mid 1970s, the teachers would ask to write an essay, that most important essay, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
I decided I would start my career early as a sarcastic writer early in life and wrote how I wanted to be a space pirate.
Some of the kids decided to say they wanted to be president.
My teacher smiled at theirs, big swooping blue smile faces on their pages, A+ grade and a "Good job!! You'll be a great president!!" but knowing full well, they'd end up as a dog poop picker upper.
My teacher just sighed and patted my head.
"I don't think you took this assignment very serious Jason, did you?" she said as she placed my paper on the desk.
D minus and a sad face, she wanted to put tears on the face but deep down she knew I had a better chance at obtaining my career goals than those kids.
I could have lied, but what lesson would that have taught me?
"Lie to get good grades!! What a potential senator of mass murderer would do!!"
She told me to stay after class, to clean the chalk board and erasers.
I got really good at cleaning the chalk board and erasers that year.
I knew from an early age I couldn't be President.
First off, I don't like babies even enough to hold them correctly let alone kiss them and lie and say, "What a cute baby!"
Can't we all agree that babies all look like ugly aliens and move on from there?
Secondly, I'm not meant for politics, I tell the truth too easily which would get me assassinated quickly into my presidency.
And thirdly, I just couldn't resist nuking my old school enemies who now live in California.
What became of me?
I'm a sarcastic asshole whose friends don't know whether or not I'm joking sometimes.
What became of those "Presidents"?
They dead.
Well, some of them.
The one ran for senator in Wyoming.
Then died.
True story.
The others?
Who knows!
Probably drug dealers!
Good night and have a better tomorrow!
