Hello, salutations and greetings from Mars.
I'm your roving reporter, Sheila Mibutzkiurts, roving around the country, in these United States of America, to report to you, THE MIDTERM ELECTIONS 2018!!!
We got some good races and we'll report them fairly (Psst. Not really!! We're biased towards gin!!)
Today's blog entry is a look at the Senatorial Race for the Great State of Montana.
For you folks who don't know, Montana is a state.
I know, who knew?!
And it has like two senators, mostly imaginary, who every so often have to fight for their job.
This year, the election will be held on November 6th, 2018!
According to records, I am still registered to vote there but I moved a year ago to the land of Mitch McConnell aka Kentucky, which, if you didn't know, is also a state.
Surprise!!!
So who do we have running for senator in Montana?
LETS FIND OUT!!!
Note to the readers - We'll be getting our information mostly from Ballotpedia.org, found here --- https://ballotpedia.org/United_States_Senate_election_in_Montana,_2018 If you don't like our reporting, you can just go fruck yourself with a dead porcupine!!
The Democrats, the Party hoping to win back the nice shiny, have in their corner, the incumbent, Jon Tester, his friends call him Apple Jacks for some strange reason and his favorite color is purple and red polka dots.
The Republicans, the Party hoping to kill all the small children in the world and getting pretty close to that, have in their corner, A DIRTY SOCK, I kid, they have Matt Rosendale, whose friends call him every time they get thrown into jail for bail money, don't believe, you're a Commie!!
There's even a Libertarian whose name is WRITE IN CANDIDATE HERE! I kid again, his name is Rick Breckenridge, whose friends call him *CENSORED FOR YOUR PROTECTION* and if he was a state, we'd bet he'd be disowned and sold off to the Russians.
Lets begin!!
JON TESTER
(D) (Incumbent - Likes to hunt small children for sport)
Website:https://www.jontester.com/
HEY JOHN, WHO ARE YOU?
Jon was born someplace in the year 1956, we believe it was Havre, but some say he may have born on Mars, my home planet, which, there is no shame in that.
Jon is a farmer; a rancher; or a self-declared Nazi Vampire Hunter.
We're not really sure.
(One of these days we hope to learn how to read!! Make writing these blogs that much easier!!!)
Apparently, Jon comes from Montana.
Or Mars.
SEE ABOVE!
Jon is already senator of the great state of Montana and wants to continue to do so.
Can he succeed?
Some people say FRUCK YOU!! GET THAT MICROPHONE OUTTA OF MY FACE!!!
Those people are bastards and need a nap!!
WHY JON?
So what's Jon's stance on the issues?
Well, glad you asked.
He wants to serve veterans.
In a tasty soup!
He wants to invest in school children.
Okay, change invest to serve and in a tasty soup!
He wants to keep public lands in the public's hands!!
Or sell them to China.
Or maybe that's the other guy.
He wants to create good jobs.
Or tacos.
We're not sure.
And he wants to keep Washington accountable.
Or sell them to China.
Again, we really need to learn how to read.
MATT ROSENDALE
(R) (likes to hunt small children for sport)
Website: https://www.mattformontana.com/
HEY MATT! WHO ARE YOU?
Matt is a Trump stump, which means he blows donkeys for pocket change. Seriously, go Google!! See? Could I make that up?
Matt isn't born and raise Montanan but has been here long enough to know, if you say, I'LL SHOOT ANYTHING THAT MOVES!! you'll get the typical Montana voters' vote!!
Don't believe me, run for Senator and say "I wanna take your guns away!" you'll be dead before noon of your announcement.
Matt and his wife like to ranch gophers.
I like gophers too!!
He worked as a real estate professional in Maryland but that was years ago, before humans learned how to write their names in crayons!!
WHY MATT?
Matt wants what we all want; to blow up stuff and video tape it to YouTube, make a million dollars the easy way, but Matt wants to be Montana's senator and he's all for guns, a Supreme Court full of wild turkey, protect them public lands or sell them all to China, kill all the illegal immigrants, kill all the unhealthy and poor, and if the time is right, cake for all.
Sounds pretty sweet to us!!
'Really?"
Nah!!
RICK BRECKENRIDGE
(L)(Surprisingly doesn't like to hunt small children for sport!!)
Website: ???
HEY RICK! WHO ARE YOU?
"I am the night!!"
Seriously though, there's no bio or anything, we did read an article that basically says Rick could be a factor in this election, mostly to Jon's defeat.
Kids, it's a close race, anyone could win, except Rick, Libertarians have a tough uphill battle in their attempts to get elected.
People want their Senators to hunt small children for sport!!
WHY RICK?
Why not!!
He seems nice.
"Really?"
How would I know?
Basically what I know about Libertarians is, they run in every election, from dog catcher to President of the United States of America, they stand for aliens and magic brownies and in this crazy world, that seems alright!!!
WHO WILL WIN?
This is a tight race, polls are close, and the winner could be a surprise (READ RICK!!!). Apparently according to reports, Rick is the spoiler, he could take away votes from Jon and Matt will be swept in as the Senator of Montana.
Or, if enough pot is smoked, Republican voters could say, WE LIKE IKE!! And Jon continues as Senator for the Great State of Montana.
Or Georgia.
We're still undecided but hoping for Jon, he nice.
Sent us a card when our poppa passed away.
Did Matt send us a card?
Da hell no he didn't!!!
Rick sent us pot.
We LOVE Rick!!
So go vote, vote often, and remember, WE LOVE POT!!!
Good night and have a better tomorrow!!!
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