The Democratic Primaries for Governor of the Great State of Kentucky: Who gives a fruck?

2019 Kentucky Gubernatorial Election - Who gives a Fuck?

So it is once again getting closer to election time; 2020 fast approaches us when we, the people of the greatest country in the world (that country being denial) will cast our votes for our leader and Florida will flip a coin and decide the winner.

It's a strange system but it's ours.

I live in the great state of Denial aka Kentucky where this year, 2019, we will decide in open combat who our governor will be.

The primaries, to vote who will get to be sent to the gladiatorial arena in November will be May 21st, 2019 with the main election on November 5th.

The incumbent governor, voted most hated governor in the entire country, is Matt Bevin, he pissed off the teachers of the state, which is kind of a bad thing but doesn't mean he'll get his ass handed to him.

So here we go -----

THE REPUBLICANS

1. Matt Bevin -  Current governor of Kentucky - Will kill for votes. He means it too!!! Endorsed by Trump which means, he loves the orange sauce at Kim Jung Italian Restaurant.
Running mate - Ralph Alvarado - state senator - once seen Elvis in a Kmart in 2013.  Me too! Me too!

2. Robert Goforth - state representative - Likes to try on hats at Target and then pretend to be cool. He is. So cool. So very very cool!! Running mate: Mike Hogan - Lawrence County Attorney - Hulk Hogan's illegitimate cousin. Not really but wouldn't that be crazy!?

3. Ike Lawrence, candidate for mayor of Lexington in 2018 - Once killed a man for trying to steal his 7-Up. Really hates "I like Ike" jokes but look at the url for his website!!! Good one Ike!!!. Running mate: James Anthony Rose, semi-retired - Doesn't know what year it is and doesn't care. "It's 2192 right?" Right James!!!

4. William Woods, candidate for the 66th district in the Kentucky House of Representatives in 2012 - Hates it when people tell him "Wood" jokes but kinda likes it too. Once killed a grizzly bear with his left big toe. "Beat that Bevin!!!" Running mate: Justin Miller, mathematics and middle grades educator - We got nothing on Justin except he likes to calculate the square root of a billion. A LOT!!!

THE DEMOCRATS
(Disclaimer - I will admit, I am a registered communists and/or Democrat! I will be voting in the Democratic primary but will be just as brutal in my research as I was for the Republican!)

1. Rocky Adkins, minority leader of the Kentucky House of Representatives - Plays the banjos with his teeth, when he can find his teeth. We like Rocky just because of his name. Adkins is a funny name.
Running mate: Stephanie Horne, former member of the Jefferson County Board of Education for the 3rd district - Hid Rocky's teeth until he made her his running mate.  Good job Stephanie.

2. Andy Beshear, Attorney General of Kentucky - His dad was once governor or mayor or dog catcher in Kentucky and Andy wants to show his old man that he too can rule on the Iron Throne as well. Wait, or was that Game of Thrones??
Running mate: Jacqueline Coleman, assistant principal at Nelson County High School, founder and president of Lead Kentucky, a non-profit organization focused on education policy reform - Another we can't find anything about except that she likes cheese and will knife you if you try to take her cheese, a hard lesson Andy discovered when he tried to steal her cheese.

3.Adam Edelen, former Auditor of Public Accounts of Kentucky - is from the future, 2930, where he discovered that if he doesn't become governor, the world will end.  "You must elect me!! Don't you get it!!! If you want to live, ELECT ME!" We don't quite understand how it effects us, seeing how he's from 2930 but...
Running mate: Gill Holland, filmmaker and urban developer - Makes snuff films using Barbie dolls. Very controversial. We <3 Gill!!!! 

4. Geoff Young, perennial candidate, retired engineer, candidate for Governor of Kentucky in 2015, candidate for Kentucky's 6th congressional district in 2014, 2016 and 2018, Green Party nominee for the 45th district in the Kentucky House of Representatives in 2012 - Keeps running and well, keeps running. Go Geoff!!!
Running mate: Joshua N. French - Likes to french kiss porcupines. That's all we got!!!

So there's the run down on the low down. Our predictions are below for the final game ----

Republican Candidate in November: Matt Bevin because he has a winning smile and isn't afraid to use it.

Democratic Candidate in November: Andy Beshear because he has a winning smile and isn't afraid to use it.

Who will win? It'll be a close no holds barred fight but in the end, there can be only one. This candidate might be the most hated governor in all of the United States but it's Kentucky, we can marry our sisters and procreate so....uh......hi Governor Matt Bevin, you know which way to the office!! (kidding about the procreating with our sisters.  I think....)

Good night and have a better tomorrow. 

WHO DA FRUCK IS RUNNING FOR GOVERNOR OF OKLAHOMA? A Midterm Report 2018

WHO DA FRUCK IS RUNNING FOR GOVERNOR OF OKLAHOMA? 

A Midterm Report 2018

By

Bob Xavier Williams

Here we are, little over two weeks until the Midterm elections are ranging upon us like some oversexed college student on spring break!

This blog we'll look into the governor race for the great state of Oklahoma!!

What makes it so great?

Hot babes and ton of beer!

The current governor, seen below, is unable to run again this time around due to term limits!

She very sad but it does mean, new candidates for the job!

And we couldn't be more excited!!!

current governor of Oklahoma - Republican Mary Fallin 

The Republicans are putting up -----

(Apparently Wikipedia has no photo of Kevin, go to his site to see his face!)

KEVIN STITT

(REPUBLICAN)

Website: https://www.stittforgovernor.com/

WHAT ABOUT KEVIN?

Kevin is a conservative businessman.

Or a Nazi Vampire.

We're not sure.

His dad was a priest, of, we thing, the High Church of Satan, but we could be wrong!

One of these days we hope to learn how to read.

Kevin wants to go up to the State Capitol and kill everyone with his good looks and bright white teeth.

We're pretty sure we got that right looking at the picture of him and his family, his wife - Aquafina holding their blessed little child Aug and the other twenty seven kids gathered about like some sort of TLC show.

That's all we can find about Kevin - no date of birth, only that his dad was a preacher man and Kevin started a financing company with a $1000 and a computer.

A computer he stole from Radio Shack.

We kid.

He stole it from Sears.

WHY KEVIN?

Kevin wants to streamline both financially and logistically all the branches and departments of the Oklahoma government body.

"It too fat!! We need to cut and cut deep!! Do we really need all of these departments?"

We sure don't!!!

He also wants to reform education.

"Our kids are dumb! Why? Bloated education system!! We need to teach the 3 Rs again - Republican, R, Rite!"

Kevin wants to bring jobs back to Oklahoma, through attracting companies back to the state.

"Good jobs for good people!! The sooner the better!! Har! Har!"

We don't get the joke either!!!

He believes agriculture should be brought back to the #1 position as well as Pro-Life!

"We need more babies for them farms!!"

He's right, you know!! Har! Har!!

We made that joke up just now.

"I don't get it!!"

Kevin believes everyone should get a gun.

Two if you nice!!!

DREW EDMONDSON

(DEMOCRAT)

Website:https://drewforoklahoma.com/

WHO IS DREW?

Drew is the former attorney general of Oklahoma.

Drew was born in Oklahoma, he's (according to his website) for Oklahoma.  

Unless Kansas gives him a better offer!!

Yes, he does look like an insurance salesman.

Or a used car salesman!

"My father told me I should have became a preacher!"

He was born on October 12th, 1946.

At least with Drew we got a photo and a birthday!

WHY DREW?

Apparently both sides can agree that Oklahoma's schools are a mess and need fixing and quickly!

"We have too many dumb kids in our school system.  My plan is to kill all the stupid kids and process them into nutritional food for the rest!"

Good idea Drew. 

You sure you're not Republican.

Drew also wants to fix Oklahoma's broken government.

"I want to kill everyone who doesn't contribute to the process and leave the good ones!"

Again, another winning idea!!

No new taxes!! And kill all the sick people!!

DREW!!!!

His wife Linda has a blog too!!!

Most of these candidates just have their wives sit there and look pretty, not Drew.

"Drew is the man to bring Oklahoma into the 20th Century!!"

And we believe her!!!

CHRIS POWELL

(LIBERTARIAN)

Website:http://www.powellforgovernor.com 

WHAT ABOUT CHRIS?

Chris was in the movie series Harry Potter.

We kid but in his publicity shots, it sure does look like he could have been.

His father was a truck driver and his mom was a book keeper and now, this Libertarian (which is an old Indian word for no chance in hell) wants to be governor!!

"I can do it!!" 

We think he can but then we also eat lead paint chips our entire life.

Chris believes that nobody knows our kids, not in DC or even at the state house, so why the fuck bother.

Seriously, go to his website, click issues and read his stance on education.

Don't tell me I can't translate issues speak!!!

Chris believes we should execute everyone, even if they haven't committed a crime.

"I do not!!"

He basically believes that everyone should have a gun, to "protect themselves", as stated in the Constitution.

You go look, I'll wait.

He also wants to legalize the pot.

We like him for that.

He thinks everyone should have access to Healthcare, even the commies.

We kinda like Chris but he has no chance in Hell.

WHO WILL WIN?

If we were a betting man, we'd say a wet towel will win.

Or that Kevin fellow.

He's Republican.

We're not against Republicans but we just don't like betting on them.

And he doesn't have a birthday!!

That's kinda sad!!

Good night and have a better tomorrow,

WHO IS RUNNING FOR GOVERNOR OF THE GREAT STATE OF NEW YORK? MIDTERM 2018!!!

WHO IS RUNNING FOR GOVERNOR OF NEW YORK STATE?

BY

BOB XAVIER WILLIAMS - PhD (Post Ham Delusion)

November 6th fast approaches and we here at NONE OF THE ABOVE start a new blog post, we approach the Wheel of Elections and spin the wheel as hard as we can and it lands on New York State Governor Race!!

Hurray!!

New York, our kind of state, never ran by the "Mob" but it was ran by the "Mob"!

So we open up our favorite browser (Atari 2600!!) and wander off to Google and Ballotpedia.org and begin our adventure in politics which have become a nightly thing.

We have two main parties running candidates this time around along with 3 others, let us begin!

ANDREW CUOMO (INCUMBENT) 

"Hi! My name is Andrew and I want to kill you with love!"

(DEMOCRAT)

Website: https://www.andrewcuomo.com/

WHO IS ANDREW?

Andrew was born on December 6th, 1957 on the home world of Peru to world famous former governor Hanky Poo and his wife Huh.

We kid.

Andrew learned at a young age that modern dance was in his blood but his father, Mario, told him, "You will be governor and like it!!"

And so here is Andrew, governor of the state of New York and he wants to be re-elected.

"No, not really! I wanna DANCE!!!"

Andrew also was assistant D.A, ran his dad's campaigns and played the kazoo in an all-girl polka band in 1982.

"Really? I don't remember any of that!"

Yep!!

Andrew has done stuff, lots of stuff, good stuff, we can't tell you what kind of stuff with court cases still pending but lets just say, when Andrew buries a body, it stays buried.

Andrew lives on the 3rd moon of Exadus with his life mate of 13 years Sandra Lee and his three daughters; X'Non, Bornon and Frank.

WHY ANDREW?

"Why the fuck not?"  

We don't know!!!

Andrew has a proven track record.

He hasn't ever killed a guy who didn't deserve to die.

"Damn right!!"

Andrew believes in civil rights and stuff.

He thinks gun safety is pretty nifty too.

"BOO!!" NRA boos from the crowd.

"Shaddup NRA!!" Andrew throws back.

He thinks women should have equal rights too!!

He thinks the LGBTQ Community shouldn't be shot into space, unlike some people.  

Educational opportunities for everyone. And a healthier and cleaner New York.

He wants to build a new New York. 

Get it?

Me neither.

He wants to build a stronger Middle Class.

Who doesn't want that?

By the way, Andrew has a lot of issues!!

But the last one, he wants to battle income inequality by increasing the minimum wage to like 38 cents a day, up from 10 cents a day today!!

Go Andrew!!!!

MARCUS MOLINARO

"I coulda killed a guy, I coulda done it!! I just chose not too!"

(REPUBLICAN)

Website: https://molinaroforny.com/

WHAT ABOUT MARC?

Apparently Marc just ooze up from the ground and said, "Helllooooooo New York!!" around the time of the dinosaurs as no official date of birth or where is to be found.

Marc went to college and decided that life was too short for bad desserts and went into law for some reason.

Soon after leaving college he went into insurance sales.

"You wouldn't want something happening to your car now do ya Ma?" was his opening sales pitch.

After awhile, and acquiring the nickname "THE ENFORCER", Marc decided to enter the political arena by busting some guys knee caps and getting elected as something, we don't remember, but it was something cool.

"Board of Trustees in 1994!"

Yeah, board of trustees!! 

"My nickname wasn't THE ENFORCER it was Princess Sprinkle Dust!!"

THE ENFORCER sounds better. Guys from NY can't have Princess Sprinkle Dust as a nick name!!"

"Why not??"  Marc does a pouty face. "I like it!!" 

Marc did a butt load of other stuff in politics and even had some kids with his wife and life mate Corinne (no we're not making that up!!) 

WHY MARC?

Marc is all about property tax relief and killing monkeys.

Again, if you read our other blogs, monkeys are the evil, they are trying to take over the world.

I watched a documentary on the future where monkeys take over the world and enslave humanity.

Marc wants to stop them before they get a foot hold.

That documentary's name: THE PLANET OF THE APES!!

We do not want that planet, trust!!

Marc also wants to fix the subways, turn them into roller skating paradises, with some wicked speed, commuters will glide with ease to work, home, where ever the fuck they want to glide to.

Marc also wants to restore public trust in government.

"Why won't you love us?"

NOTE: We discovered through Googling Marc that his birthday is October 8th, 1975.  He looks a lot older than us and we were born in 1971.  Sorry Marc. Politics must be a rough sport!

NEWS STORY WE FOUND ABOUT MARC AND ANDREW - 

ALBANY - Marc Molinaro, the Republican nominee for governor, says his wife's background in marketing and design made her a great fit for a job with a construction firm in Dutchess County, where he's county executive.

Gov. Andrew Cuomo suggests it's far more nefarious.

His campaign has aired a pair of television advertisements essentially calling the job a pay-off from a firm with business before Molinaro.
The job is likely to become a major point of attack for Cuomo as the Nov. 6 general election draws near.

SOURCE: https://www.poughkeepsiejournal.com/story/news/politics/2018/09/21/marc-molinaro-andrew-cuomo-wife-job/1379505002/ 

Third party and independent candidates include retired United Parcel Service worker Howie Hawkins (Green Party), former Syracuse Mayor Stephanie Miner(I), and business consultant Larry Sharpe (L).

We really don't want to go into too much details about the other candidates as we all know there's no such thing as "A Third Party" with a chance in Hell in this modern day system of Republicans calling Democrats assholes and vice versa.

But what the hell ---

HOWIE HAWKINS

(Green Party - that means they like to drink green beer and pee green all the live long day!)

Website - A Facebook page - cause Howie is like, "Fucker, I've ran for public offices 21 times since 1993!! I don't need no HOWIEFORSHIT.COM website!!!"

Howie was born on December 8th, 1952 in San Francisco, California which you know what that means, yep, Howie is a socialist.

For you kids who don't know what a socialist is, that's another term for "Commie" Green?  More like RED!!!

GO BACK TO CALIFORNIA YA HIPPY!!!

We kid!! We like Howie. 

He's a retired postal worker.

Respect the postal worker!!

OR they'll knife ya in the gullet!!!

His chances of winning? Better than ours!!

STEPHANIE MINER

 

(INDEPENDENT)

WEBSITE: https://www.minerforny.com/

People are wondering, WHO DA HELL IS FUNDING INDEPENDENT STEPHANIE MINER'S RUN AGAINST ANDREW FOR GOVERNOR?

• Space aliens?
• The Mafia
• Howie Hawkins (See above!! He didn't want to be the only lone wolf!!! It could have happened!!!)
• Clowns?
• Republicans who don't want to see another male in a key role in politics? HAR! HAR!

She has a website which states WE ARE and they seriously use the term "WE ARE" like there's a multitude of beings inside the one, like the Borg from Star Trek: The Next Generation.

The Borg are apparently trying to take over the world one major state at a time.

"We will no longer tolerate a system that uses our tax dollars for political favors and fails to deliver what citizens need from our government."  reads a statement on the front page of the website.

We can't argue with that and by we, I mean, I, but we sounds sooooooo much cooler, like there's a whole building of us writing this blog rather than one fat old guy in his jammies writing it.

Apparently we = "Stephanie Miner for Governor" and her Lt. Governor. Michael Volpe (Again, we are not making this up, BORG I'm telling you!!!)

They belong to the SAM Party.  (SAM = Serve America Movement - no, I'm not sure sure that they don't mean how the aliens meant the "Serve Mankind" in the recipe book content reveal.  "I like to serve my America with a nice white wine!!" Michael Volpe giggles, pulling his human mask off and revealing his lizard face.

Stephanie was former mayor of Syracuse. We give her chances of winning about the same as me winning the lottery tomorrow night.

.000000002 percent!!!

LARRY SHARPE gov

LIBERTARIAN PARTY

WEBSITE: https://larrysharpe.com/

Larry was born July 12th, 1968 in NYC.  His hair ran for Vice President of The United States of America in 2016 for the Libertarian Party.

He wants to empower people of New York, by giving them all the Sharpe Hair Cut, and have them wear name tags, which will make New York a friendlier state.

I kid.

Partly.

Larry calls his plan ---- Sharpe Policy! (Get it? Neither do we, part of our problem!)

He wants to return New York to its former glory!!!

No, we're not going into his policy.  We're not that bored!! 

Larry's chances of winning are about as good as we have winning as senator for the great state of Alabama!!!

.000000000000000000000001 percent.

But good luck Larry!!

So there it is, the people on the ballot!! Enjoyable right?

"Right!!"

So go vote New York and vote well!!

Good night and have a better tomorrow!!

I AM RUNNING FOR GOVERNOR OF THE GREAT STATE OF GEORGIA - A POLITICAL BULLSHIT POST

I AM RUNNING FOR GOVERNOR OF THE GREAT STATE OF GEORGIA

A POLITICAL BULLSHIT STORM POST  

by 

BOB XAVIER WILLIAMS, PhD (I've dug post holes!! It sucks!!)

"I don't do smiles, just take the fucking picture!"

So today, bored, I wrote a blog entry to this wonderful blog series called WHO DA FUCK IS RUNNING FOR GOVERNOR OF THE GREAT STATE OF GEORGIA (If you haven't read it, why not? GO READ!! It's very in-depth and really covers the candidates fairly!! Brian Kemp's lawyers have already contacted us!!! And well, we told them KISS MY GINGER ASS!!!) and while in my bed, reading my 10,000th reply to a YouTuber I'm stalking, I mean, following I thought to myself,

I COULD BE GOVERNOR OF THE GREAT STATE OF GEORGIA!!!!

"But Bob, " some random audience member interrupts from the crowd, "You don't live in Georgia!!"

What does that have to do with the price of tea in China?

"What?"

Exactly.

So today, a little under a month to go till election (November 6th people is fast approaching!! If you're not registered, you're fucked!! But probably some candidate has already used your information and voted for themselves anyways!! Senators are evil pricks!! I want to be Senator from the Great State of Georgia but well, this will do just fine!!!) I am announcing my candidacy for the position!!!

WHAT ABOUT BOB?

Bob X. Williams was born Jessica Samantha Smith on a warm summer night on July 16th, 1971 in the high mountains of Nebraska to Xanadu and Pippy Hartford in their summer home there.

In school, Bob exceeded at many things, like recess and nap time, sometimes arts and crafts, but only when pull tabs from beer cans were involved (kids, back in the day, teachers were allowed to make you do art projects, mostly involving clay, that included these things called pull tabs that came off of beer cans, ask your mom about it!! She knows all about pull tabs!!!).

He graduated 636 out of 1237 from Rick Dawnson School for the Creative Genius High School in Howzaboutthat, Alabama and soon found himself (though never playing before) as quarterback for the University of Alabama football team, where he took them to the Rose Bowl (but ticket prices were too much, so instead, the team went to Fridays and got drunk on 2 for 1 drinks!! Life's a party, LIVE IT!! was the motto of the University of Alabama football team at the time!!!)

Bob graduated with a 2.0 average (alcohol blood level) and a 1.3 grade point average and soon found himself out on the mean streets of post-academic life.

Sad really.

But he soon found a job as a clean up person at a local "Adult Video Booth" facility where he met his current life mate and wife, Samantha Shields.

They had 3 beautiful kids (and 14 ugly ones that had to be aborted due to them being ugly!!) and a dog they named Poo.

Cause he shits everywhere.

Bob believes hard work is for suckers and oops....I mean....Bob believes hard work and determination makes the world go around.

WHY BOB?

Bob grew up with the ideals that money doesn't grow on trees, monkeys don't really like being shot into space, and dreams (wet or otherwise) can come true if only if you could win the lottery.

Bob has a 999 points plan of Making The State of Georgia a better place, a plan he calls "THE PLAN TO BEGIN MY REIGN AS DICTATOR FOR LIFE OF THE WORLD!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!" or maybe 999 POINTS OF LIGHTS TO MAKE GEORGIA A BETTER PLACE!!!

1.  Create jobs.  Good jobs. Jobs that pay more than $4.25 a day. Jobs with neat titles like store manager and cheese maker.  Would you like that? Course you would!! Who wouldn't!!! Vote for Bob and he'll get you that job. Maybe one with a hat. And your very own mop!! You like mops don't you? Course you do!!!

2. Education. Bob believes an educated kid is a good kid. Bob believes kids should be educated, things like Hillary Clinton is evil, Commies are bad, and rice pudding shouldn't be shoved up your ass.  That's evil, not what Jesus preached. Homosexuals are bad too.  Things that should be taught in schools, not things like the Earth is round and Global Weather Change is real!!

They not!

3. Monkeys. Monkeys will be the death of the human race. They will enslave us and stuff. Bob watched a documentary on TV the other night called PLANET OF THE APES.  It shows how in the future how the apes take over the world and enslave mankind. We must stop this from happening and kill all monkeys, apes, and other such things by deregulating the environmental controls we have been burdened with by a corrupt government who thinks monkeys are cute.  

Monkeys are the evil!!!!

4. Fornicating with your sister. Bob believes it's okay to fornicate with your sister, it shouldn't be a crime, if she's not good enough for your own family, she shouldn't be good enough for some other, or however that joke goes.  This was suppose to be about gun control but Bob was sleepy when we started this and kind of drifted off the script by the end. We're sorry.  Bob doesn't really believe that having sex with your sister is good.

"Do so monkey loving commie!!!"

We don't really have 999 points but 4 points sounds lazy so......

VOTE BOB X. WILLIAMS, you know you want too!!!!

Good night and have a better tomorrow!!!

WHO IS RUNNING FOR GOVERNOR OF THE GREAT STATE OF GEORGIA?

WHO IS RUNNING FOR GOVERNOR OF THE GREAT STATE OF GEORGIA?

A special report by Anna Goner, First Woman to be shot into the Sun

OCTOBER 11TH, 2018

The year is 2018, according to some science fiction authors back in 1942, this is the year mankind is destroyed and giant cockroaches rule the planet.

Science fiction authors back in 1942 were dumb.

OR WERE THEY??

2018 is another "Mid Term Election Time" and with each mid term, I decide to delve into the candidates, with spot on reporting only seen by the likes of retarded monkeys on LSD!

"Nowadays, you can't say retarded!! It's offensive!!"

Fuck off Random Audience Member, your mom is also your sister!!

"Shaddup!!"

Today, for no reason other than the fact I'm bored, we have decided to look into the race for the governor of the great state of Georgia, or, as other people call it, That Place that Makes Florida look Smart!!

Lets begin!!!

The current governor of Georgia is a term limited monkey spanker and therefore cannot be re-elected for his 999th term. 

Say goodbye 82nd governor of Georgia Nathan Deal!!

"Goodbye Nathan Deal!!"

So that means, we have two brand spanking new to the job of the Governorship and what a pair.

The Republicans, known to the world as Those Evil Twat Fuckers, chose to run as their monkey spanker, Brian Kemp.

The Democrats, known to the world as THOSE EVIL DICK SUCKERS, chose to run as their monkey spanker, Stacey Abrams.

Both fine candidates just by looking at their pictures.

But we all know, you cannot judge a book by its cover, cause, if we could, we'd look at Nathan's photo and think, HE'S A FINE INSURANCE SALESMAN!!! 

But he's not, he's on-his-way-out current governor of Georgia.

Lets begin with Brian, shall we?

We shall!

BRIAN KEMP

Smile for the camera!! "Cheese!" okay, lets try one without the smile then!

REPUBLICAN

CURRENT JOB: SECRETARY OF STATE OF GEORGIA

TURNONS: FAST CARS AND BUTTER

TURNOFFS: PEOPLE WHO DON'T LIKE GUNS OR SMALL PEE PEES!!

WEBSITE: https://www.kempforgovernor.com/

WHAT ABOUT BRIAN?

Brian was born outside the realm of time and space but in reference to time, it was November 2nd, 1963, a year that shall be forever known as "That time Brian's mom popped out a possible governor of some state!"

Brian is a "life time Georgian" which means that he likes his tea like he likes his sister, wet!

I kid, Brian likes his sister with a dry martini!

Brian played the football in high school, well, mostly, he was towel boy.  

And then later, the water boy, then after his third year of teasing, he quit foot ball after coach said, "Are you dumb or what?" and went on to become President of Guam for the Mock United Nation Club of his school.

Years later, Brian would tell some folks, "Those were the best days of my life, no more mocking, except by Spain, who was a cocksucker!!"

Brian would graduated college, and through hard work and determination, he would become something, we're not sure what, we're not that interested in reading much more about Brian and are just making this shit up as we go.

Seriously though, Brian dug ditches, plowed fields, artificially inseminated bulls, etc. etc. leading up to him becoming his own boss, creating jobs, smoking weed, doing stuff manly men do who run their own business.

But soon, politics called to Brian.

"Hello, Brian? This is politics!! We need you to run!!"

And Brian ran!!

He ran so far away!!!

But he came back, because Georgia needed him, they called out to him, GOVERNOR OF GEORGIA!!!!

24 years ago, Brian married his childhood friend, Marty, they raised three daughters to love God, pray to Frank Gifford, and smell like cheese.

Brian is running for governor to protect families like his from people like THE EVIL ONES!!!

Who are the EVIL ONES???

You are!!

Just kidding, you're cool!!!

WHY BRIAN?

Brian has a 4-step program to making Georgia the kind of place you dump your grandparents off into if you don't feel like driving all the way to Florida, the kind of place that says, HOLY SHIT!! THIS IS WHAT WE PAID $19.95 TO COME SEE?!?!!

1. MAKE GEORGIA #1 FOR SMALL BUSINESS: Get rid of stupid regulations like environmental laws so business can just openly dump toxic chemicals into rivers and streams and let Florida figure that shit out.   

Allow business just to randomly fire employees, out of a canon, into the sun.  

2. REFORM STATE GOVERNMENT: Tell the state to stop spending so much money like on useless programs such as feeding kids, clothing kids, or educating kids, the only smart kid is one with a shovel in their hands digging ditches across this great land.  "If it was good enough for my uncle Fred, it was good enough for me!!"  Something about tax reform, that shit is boring, so we decided to stop reading and again, just make shit up, just like Brian does, only we don't smile while doing it like we're constipated and stuff!!

3. STRENGTHEN RURAL GEORGIA:  Give them hicks high speed internet, faster download for free porn, who can argue against that!!?? Free porn is what built this nation and Brian knows it, he just won't say it, JESUS SAVES,or something!!

4. Uh........BUTT SEX WITH YOUR SISTER!!!? We really don't know what the fucking 4th point is because his website apparently doesn't like Chrome in the scroll feature because we couldn't scroll past number 3.  

Either that or Brian can't count!!!  Good job Brian or Brian's website designer.

Or maybe this is some sort of game to test the voters!! "Hey Brian, you only got three points in your four point plan!!"

"Bright boy!! You wanna be in my cabinet??"

"Do I!!!"

And that's how cabinets are made!! Don't believe me, Google it!!! ENJOY!!!

FUN NEWS STORY WE DISCOVERED --- https://www.msnbc.com/rachel-maddow/watch/kemp-holding-up-53k-voter-registrations-as-he-runs-for-governor-1341537347869?v=raila&

Apparently, Brian is doing a naughty thing, holding up 53,000 voter registrations as he tries to run for governor.

Bad Brian, no free porn for you, you gotta pay!!!

But on Twitter, Brian responded to his critics by stating, SHADDUP!! THOSE 53K CAN VOTE, AND VOTE THEY SHALL!! EVERYONE VOTE!!!! He then added BUT VOTE FOR ME!! STACEY IS A DOO DOO HEAD!!!

STACEY ABRAMS

"Hi!! I can't smile either but hell with it!! VOTE FOR ME!!"

DEMOCRAT

CURRENT JOB: ASSASSIN AND ROMANCE NOVELIST

TURNONS: JANIS JOPLIN AND SUGAR FREE JELLO

TURNOFFS: PEOPLE WITH SMALL PEE PEES AND BAD BIO PICS!

WEBSITE: https://staceyabrams.com/

WHAT ABOUT STACEY?

Stacey was born on the planet Goonon on December 9th, 1973, the year that shall be known as "Hello Stacey! And welcome to the world!!"

She grew up in Gulfport Mississippi, with her five siblings (all named Buttfudge by their father who didn't want to remember too many names!!!) with the three tenets: go to school, go to church, and kill all who try to bring shame to our family's name!! (her mom was a big fan of old school fantasy novels!!!)

The family decided to move to Georgia.

Why?

We don't care enough to read farther than they moved to Georgia.

Our ADD kicked in and we moved on to a picture of Stacey and President Obama who said some nice things about Stacey.

(Yeah, we know we were a lot tougher on Brian in his WHAT ABOUT but fuck off, wanna rip Stacey a new biography? Start your own blog site!!! Tell about the time she slept with her brother, don't reveal that it was her parents were like mine and couldn't afford the kids to have separate bedrooms and such but still....SHE SLEPT WITH HER BROTHER!!!!!)

Stacey is a best selling author of romantic suspense. 

No we've never read her because we're more like her mom and into old school fantasy novels.

She has created jobs too!! (So there Brian, BAM!! ~DROPS THE MIC~)

WHY STACEY?

Stacey has a shit load of things she wants to do for Georgia, from creating jobs for old people to killing children (with love and candy) to creating weaponized uranium to use against Florida who mocks Georgia every day with just their mere existence!!

Also, unlike Brian's website, Stacey's lets you scroll through all of her issues.

Go look at them, she has a lot of issues!!! (HAHA!!)

WE LOVE YOU STACEY!!!

Someday we'll pick up one of your novels and when we learn how to read, we'll read it too!!!

"Thanks!!"

So there you go, two candidates, ready to do battle in the political arena, TO THE DEATH!! ("YES!!!!" screams Stacey's mom!!) who will win?

Knowing Georgia's politics as well as I do (don't know shit!!), I can predict a bloody night of fist fights and cuddles and Brian saying "The fuck did she just say!!" as he watches the returns on TV.

We're pretty sure Georgia will vote the way their Pappy voted.

"States should have the right to...."

Sorry, we had to cut Pappy off.

He's kind of racist!!

So good night and have a better tomorrow!

Note: Again, we were very tough on Brian and kind of skimpy on Stacey.  We will do better next time on the race for dog catcher in Pebble Falls, Virginia!!!