WHO DA FRUCK IS RUNNING FOR SENATOR OF THE GREAT STATE OF UTAH?
By
Bob Xavier Williams
Another fun night and another blog about the midterm elections.
Tonight we travel to the exotic state of Utah, where the grass is a nice shade of brown and the girls, well, they girls, what else do you need?
HERE'S UTAH!!! Say hello Utah!!
"Hi!"
So now that we got that over with, we can move onto the race itself.
MITT ROMNEY
REPUBLICAN
WEBSITE: pornhub.com JUST KIDDING!!! https://www.romneyforutah.com/
WHO IS MITT?
Mitt was born on a warm brisk day March 12th, 1947 in Detroit, Michigan, to aliens. From Jupiter.
Don't believe me, Google it!!
I know!! Who knew!!
Mitt tried to run for president a few times, getting his ass handed to him a few times, he jumped on the Trump train once, said fuck that, got off and is now KISS MY BUTT TRUMP.
He married his wife in 1969. *Giggle* 1969.
And killed his first dog in 1971.
Bad Mitt!!
He started some companies, made a butt load of nickels and soon was back on the road to D.C.
"I'm for Utah but I kinda want to leave!!"
WHY MITT?
Mitt is for Utah.
Mitt is Utah!
Boring as hell and make you want to drive to Wyoming for booze!
MITT!!!!
He also spells his name with four letters, just like Utah!!
He believes in the Constitution, Apple Pie, Jesus was a Jew and other fun time activities all rolled up into some ideals that could pass for Human which, we all know, Mitt is not human!!!
Damn cyborgs trying to take over the world.
Like them damn dirty apes!!!
MITT'S THEME SONG ---- Marilyn Manson's The Beautiful People
NEWS STORIES WE FOUND WHILE SEARCHING FOR STUFF TO POST ----
Source:https://www.sltrib.com/news/politics/2018/10/15/poll-mitt-romney-winning/JENNY WILSON
Three-fourths of Utah’s Democratic voters plan to vote for Jenny Willson in next month’s U.S. Senate election, according to a new Salt Lake Tribune-Hinckley Institute of Politics poll.
But that’s where the good news for Wilson ends, as the poll shows her opponent Mitt Romney winning among men, women, all age groups, Republicans and unaffiliated voters, for an overall lead of 59 percent to Wilson’s 23 percent.
DEMOCRAT
WEBSITE: SPANKME.COM again, just kidding!! https://wilsonforsenate.com/
WHAT ABOUT JENNY?
Forrest Gump likes her.
Ha! Ha!
Just kidding, you knew though we were going to open with that joke.
Jenny is from Utah, a 5th generation Utahan, mother, daughter, killer of Giants and all that jazz most candidates say in their bios.
She was born on November 1st, 1965 in Salt Lake City, Utah, that place that is known for its fast cars, fast booze, and people named Steve.
She did stuff too, like run a city into the ground, killed some people and blamed it on Mitt who, ya gotta admit, looks like he would kill people.
Jenny doesn't.
Jenny looks sweet and innocent but if Utah sends her to DC, she'll come back with many shrunken heads and the title DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
WHY JENNY?
Jenny wants to reunite immigrant families torn apart by President Trump's policy of ripping families apart.
"I did NOT rip families apart!!" President Trump interrupts "FAKE NEWS!! FAKE NEWS!!"
She does not support the GOP tax plan which is aimed more towards giving heartless corporations the tax breaks which they say will trickle down to the poor.
"Yea!! Fuck that!!" Jenny throws in. "Only thing going to trickle down is piss and they'll tell the poor, IT;S RAINING!!"
Jenny btw, is a mean drunk.
Jenny is for protecting public lands.
While Mitt wants to sell them to China.
"C.O.D!!" Mitt interjects drunk on non-alcoholic root beer. Mitt doesn't handle booze very well.
"PARTEEEEEEEE!!!"
Jenny wants to execute all Republicans and those Democrats who suck at the Republican's tits!!
"Enough of this bull shit, DEATH TO ALL TRAITORS TO THE KINGDOM OF S'HALL!!!"
We had to cut Jenny off.
There's more issues but we're getting tired of typing and still have like three other candidates to go over.
"Fuck em!!" Mitt jumps in. "This Jenny chick sounds cool!! Can I change my vote to her?"
No!!!
JENNY WILSON'S SONG --- 2Pac Fuck Em all!!
THE OTHER CANDIDATES
Write-in candidates
- Tyrone Jensen
- We don't feel like going through all of these other candidates, the third parties, the independents, and the write in.
- We have included the links from Ballotpedia for your perusal.
- Okay, we'll do an individual profile on each!!
- We're bored and still listening to Jenny's campaign song from above.
- FUCK EM ALL!!!!
- CRAIG BOWDEN
- LIBERTARIAN
- WEBSITE: "Ain't got no Website, except maybe DENUTZ.COM!!' We kid ---
We reached out to Craig, his picture making us want to talk to the man, the myth and the legend.
"What? Who are you? ARE YOU WITH THE POLICE?? YA GOTTA TELL ME IF YOU WITH THE POLICE!"
No man, we're None of the Above doing an in-depth analysis on the Utah Race for Senate. Wanna know, what you about?
"Dude!! I'm all about the poetry of nature as written by Marines, killing people while talking about the roses of life. You know what the roses of life is right?"
No.
"Blood motherfucker! Blood!!'
Get it!!!
"I also believe everyone should have a chance to become a rich mother fucker!!"
Us too!!!
"We should close up military bases around the world, fuck em all, like 2 Pac says, and bring them back to the States. Let them "FUCK AMERICA!!!" find out what happens when our shit ain't there!!"
HELL YEA!!!!!
"People should be allowed to arm themselves in defense of themselves, fuck these pussies who say we should outlaw guns!!! GO BACK TO COMMIELAND YOU COCK SUCKERS!!"
Hell yea!!!! GIVE EM WHAT FOR MAN!!!!!
"We need to end this stupid war on drugs. Legalize it all, Crank it up!!"
Ooooooooh yea!! We'll vote for you Craig.
Well we have to move onto the other candidates!! Nice talking to you Craig.
"You welcome bitches!!"
TIMOTHY "TIM" AALDERS
CONSTITUTION CANDIDATE
WEBSITE: Google.com. Ha! https://timaalders.com/
"Conservatives don't have to settle for Mitt Romney!" screams Tim when we call him up.
Alright!!!
"You want to vote for good stuff like hookers, drugs and polka parties?? VOTE FOR ME!! Mitt doesn't like polka! He even killed a dog!!! I have never killed a dog!!"
Sweet!!
Tim also believes immigrants should be allowed in the country but only legally, with sponsorship, able to learn the language of the "Americans", mostly a mix of Chinese and Pigeon. And have a job, like working in Mexican restaurants or selling life insurance policies.
Guns for everybody.
Including your grandma.
(Yes, we know she dead!!!)
Tim has a lot of issues, mostly Obamacare is bad by raising the prices of insurance, pro-life, and some other stuff.
REED MCCANDLESS
INDEPENDENT
WEBSITE: YAHOO.COM. or
"I killed a man in Dillon Montana for trying to steal my beer!! Sent that Mother to Butte, Montana or Hell!!' Laughed the man in Black, or Reed to his friends.
"Death to my enemies!!"
Reed was born in Dillon, Montana and raised in Montana and Idaho, making him one bad mother farmer who is sick and tired of the old blood in DC.
"I want to put some new blood into the Senate, ME!!!'
And we agree!! Too much old blood up there on the Hill!!!
TYRONE JENSEN
[NO PHOTO]
(WRITE IN - REPUBLICAN]
WEBSITE: We don't need no website, just like we don't need no photo!!!
There's nothing for Tyrone except he's running on the write-in campaign, you don't want to vote for them other bitches, you write in Tyrone and boom, you send him to the Hill.
Or don't!!
Tyrone don't give a shit.
Write or do not write.
Just vote!
(There's photos of Tyrone out there but well, it looks cooler with no photo, no nothing, JUST VOTE!!!)
WHO WILL WIN?
If we had to choose, we'd say Tyrone for the win!!!
Haha, just kidding, we all know it's going to be our man Mitt, with that winning hair, that smile and he's already killed a dog!!!
Go Mitt!!!
The rest of you, there's always next time!!
Maybe governor Tyrone! Has a nice ring to it!!
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