WHO IS RUNNING FOR GOVERNOR OF NEW YORK STATE?
BY
BOB XAVIER WILLIAMS - PhD (Post Ham Delusion)
November 6th fast approaches and we here at NONE OF THE ABOVE start a new blog post, we approach the Wheel of Elections and spin the wheel as hard as we can and it lands on New York State Governor Race!!
Hurray!!
New York, our kind of state, never ran by the "Mob" but it was ran by the "Mob"!
So we open up our favorite browser (Atari 2600!!) and wander off to Google and Ballotpedia.org and begin our adventure in politics which have become a nightly thing.
We have two main parties running candidates this time around along with 3 others, let us begin!
ANDREW CUOMO (INCUMBENT)
 |
| "Hi! My name is Andrew and I want to kill you with love!" |
(DEMOCRAT)
Website: https://www.andrewcuomo.com/
WHO IS ANDREW?
Andrew was born on December 6th, 1957 on the home world of Peru to world famous former governor Hanky Poo and his wife Huh.
We kid.
Andrew learned at a young age that modern dance was in his blood but his father, Mario, told him, "You will be governor and like it!!"
And so here is Andrew, governor of the state of New York and he wants to be re-elected.
"No, not really! I wanna DANCE!!!"
Andrew also was assistant D.A, ran his dad's campaigns and played the kazoo in an all-girl polka band in 1982.
"Really? I don't remember any of that!"
Yep!!
Andrew has done stuff, lots of stuff, good stuff, we can't tell you what kind of stuff with court cases still pending but lets just say, when Andrew buries a body, it stays buried.
Andrew lives on the 3rd moon of Exadus with his life mate of 13 years Sandra Lee and his three daughters; X'Non, Bornon and Frank.
WHY ANDREW?
"Why the fuck not?"
We don't know!!!
Andrew has a proven track record.
He hasn't ever killed a guy who didn't deserve to die.
"Damn right!!"
Andrew believes in civil rights and stuff.
He thinks gun safety is pretty nifty too.
"BOO!!" NRA boos from the crowd.
"Shaddup NRA!!" Andrew throws back.
He thinks women should have equal rights too!!
He thinks the LGBTQ Community shouldn't be shot into space, unlike some people.
Educational opportunities for everyone. And a healthier and cleaner New York.
He wants to build a new New York.
Get it?
Me neither.
He wants to build a stronger Middle Class.
Who doesn't want that?
By the way, Andrew has a lot of issues!!
But the last one, he wants to battle income inequality by increasing the minimum wage to like 38 cents a day, up from 10 cents a day today!!
Go Andrew!!!!
MARCUS MOLINARO
 |
| "I coulda killed a guy, I coulda done it!! I just chose not too!" |
(REPUBLICAN)
Website: https://molinaroforny.com/
WHAT ABOUT MARC?
Apparently Marc just ooze up from the ground and said, "Helllooooooo New York!!" around the time of the dinosaurs as no official date of birth or where is to be found.
Marc went to college and decided that life was too short for bad desserts and went into law for some reason.
Soon after leaving college he went into insurance sales.
"You wouldn't want something happening to your car now do ya Ma?" was his opening sales pitch.
After awhile, and acquiring the nickname "THE ENFORCER", Marc decided to enter the political arena by busting some guys knee caps and getting elected as something, we don't remember, but it was something cool.
"Board of Trustees in 1994!"
Yeah, board of trustees!!
"My nickname wasn't THE ENFORCER it was Princess Sprinkle Dust!!"
THE ENFORCER sounds better. Guys from NY can't have Princess Sprinkle Dust as a nick name!!"
"Why not??" Marc does a pouty face. "I like it!!"
Marc did a butt load of other stuff in politics and even had some kids with his wife and life mate Corinne (no we're not making that up!!)
WHY MARC?
Marc is all about property tax relief and killing monkeys.
Again, if you read our other blogs, monkeys are the evil, they are trying to take over the world.
I watched a documentary on the future where monkeys take over the world and enslave humanity.
Marc wants to stop them before they get a foot hold.
That documentary's name: THE PLANET OF THE APES!!
We do not want that planet, trust!!
Marc also wants to fix the subways, turn them into roller skating paradises, with some wicked speed, commuters will glide with ease to work, home, where ever the fuck they want to glide to.
Marc also wants to restore public trust in government.
"Why won't you love us?"
NOTE: We discovered through Googling Marc that his birthday is October 8th, 1975. He looks a lot older than us and we were born in 1971. Sorry Marc. Politics must be a rough sport!
NEWS STORY WE FOUND ABOUT MARC AND ANDREW -
ALBANY - Marc Molinaro, the Republican nominee for governor, says his wife's background in marketing and design made her a great fit for a job with a construction firm in Dutchess County, where he's county executive.
Gov. Andrew Cuomo suggests it's far more nefarious.
His campaign has aired a pair of television advertisements essentially calling the job a pay-off from a firm with business before Molinaro.SOURCE: https://www.poughkeepsiejournal.com/story/news/politics/2018/09/21/marc-molinaro-andrew-cuomo-wife-job/1379505002/
The job is likely to become a major point of attack for Cuomo as the Nov. 6 general election draws near.
Third party and independent candidates include retired United Parcel Service worker Howie Hawkins (Green Party), former Syracuse Mayor Stephanie Miner(I), and business consultant Larry Sharpe (L).
We really don't want to go into too much details about the other candidates as we all know there's no such thing as "A Third Party" with a chance in Hell in this modern day system of Republicans calling Democrats assholes and vice versa.
But what the hell ---
HOWIE HAWKINS
(Green Party - that means they like to drink green beer and pee green all the live long day!)
Website - A Facebook page - cause Howie is like, "Fucker, I've ran for public offices 21 times since 1993!! I don't need no HOWIEFORSHIT.COM website!!!"
Howie was born on December 8th, 1952 in San Francisco, California which you know what that means, yep, Howie is a socialist.
For you kids who don't know what a socialist is, that's another term for "Commie" Green? More like RED!!!
GO BACK TO CALIFORNIA YA HIPPY!!!
We kid!! We like Howie.
He's a retired postal worker.
Respect the postal worker!!
OR they'll knife ya in the gullet!!!
His chances of winning? Better than ours!!
STEPHANIE MINER
(INDEPENDENT)
WEBSITE: https://www.minerforny.com/
People are wondering, WHO DA HELL IS FUNDING INDEPENDENT STEPHANIE MINER'S RUN AGAINST ANDREW FOR GOVERNOR?
- Space aliens?
- The Mafia
- Howie Hawkins (See above!! He didn't want to be the only lone wolf!!! It could have happened!!!)
- Clowns?
- Republicans who don't want to see another male in a key role in politics? HAR! HAR!
She has a website which states WE ARE and they seriously use the term "WE ARE" like there's a multitude of beings inside the one, like the Borg from Star Trek: The Next Generation.
The Borg are apparently trying to take over the world one major state at a time.
"We will no longer tolerate a system that uses our tax dollars for political favors and fails to deliver what citizens need from our government." reads a statement on the front page of the website.
We can't argue with that and by we, I mean, I, but we sounds sooooooo much cooler, like there's a whole building of us writing this blog rather than one fat old guy in his jammies writing it.
Apparently we = "Stephanie Miner for Governor" and her Lt. Governor. Michael Volpe (Again, we are not making this up, BORG I'm telling you!!!)
They belong to the SAM Party. (SAM = Serve America Movement - no, I'm not sure sure that they don't mean how the aliens meant the "Serve Mankind" in the recipe book content reveal. "I like to serve my America with a nice white wine!!" Michael Volpe giggles, pulling his human mask off and revealing his lizard face.
Stephanie was former mayor of Syracuse. We give her chances of winning about the same as me winning the lottery tomorrow night.
.000000002 percent!!!
LARRY SHARPE gov
LIBERTARIAN PARTY
WEBSITE: https://larrysharpe.com/
Larry was born July 12th, 1968 in NYC. His hair ran for Vice President of The United States of America in 2016 for the Libertarian Party.
He wants to empower people of New York, by giving them all the Sharpe Hair Cut, and have them wear name tags, which will make New York a friendlier state.
I kid.
Partly.
Larry calls his plan ---- Sharpe Policy! (Get it? Neither do we, part of our problem!)
He wants to return New York to its former glory!!!
No, we're not going into his policy. We're not that bored!!
Larry's chances of winning are about as good as we have winning as senator for the great state of Alabama!!!
.000000000000000000000001 percent.
But good luck Larry!!
So there it is, the people on the ballot!! Enjoyable right?
"Right!!"
So go vote New York and vote well!!
Good night and have a better tomorrow!!
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