2019 Kentucky Gubernatorial Election - Who gives a Fuck?
So it is once again getting closer to election time; 2020 fast approaches us when we, the people of the greatest country in the world (that country being denial) will cast our votes for our leader and Florida will flip a coin and decide the winner.It's a strange system but it's ours.
I live in the great state of Denial aka Kentucky where this year, 2019, we will decide in open combat who our governor will be.
The primaries, to vote who will get to be sent to the gladiatorial arena in November will be May 21st, 2019 with the main election on November 5th.
The incumbent governor, voted most hated governor in the entire country, is Matt Bevin, he pissed off the teachers of the state, which is kind of a bad thing but doesn't mean he'll get his ass handed to him.
So here we go -----
THE REPUBLICANS
1. Matt Bevin - Current governor of Kentucky - Will kill for votes. He means it too!!! Endorsed by Trump which means, he loves the orange sauce at Kim Jung Italian Restaurant.
Running mate - Ralph Alvarado - state senator - once seen Elvis in a Kmart in 2013. Me too! Me too!
2. Robert Goforth - state representative - Likes to try on hats at Target and then pretend to be cool. He is. So cool. So very very cool!! Running mate: Mike Hogan - Lawrence County Attorney - Hulk Hogan's illegitimate cousin. Not really but wouldn't that be crazy!?
3. Ike Lawrence, candidate for mayor of Lexington in 2018 - Once killed a man for trying to steal his 7-Up. Really hates "I like Ike" jokes but look at the url for his website!!! Good one Ike!!!. Running mate: James Anthony Rose, semi-retired - Doesn't know what year it is and doesn't care. "It's 2192 right?" Right James!!!
4. William Woods, candidate for the 66th district in the Kentucky House of Representatives in 2012 - Hates it when people tell him "Wood" jokes but kinda likes it too. Once killed a grizzly bear with his left big toe. "Beat that Bevin!!!" Running mate: Justin Miller, mathematics and middle grades educator - We got nothing on Justin except he likes to calculate the square root of a billion. A LOT!!!
THE DEMOCRATS
(Disclaimer - I will admit, I am a registered communists and/or Democrat! I will be voting in the Democratic primary but will be just as brutal in my research as I was for the Republican!)
1. Rocky Adkins, minority leader of the Kentucky House of Representatives - Plays the banjos with his teeth, when he can find his teeth. We like Rocky just because of his name. Adkins is a funny name.
Running mate: Stephanie Horne, former member of the Jefferson County Board of Education for the 3rd district - Hid Rocky's teeth until he made her his running mate. Good job Stephanie.
2. Andy Beshear, Attorney General of Kentucky - His dad was once governor or mayor or dog catcher in Kentucky and Andy wants to show his old man that he too can rule on the Iron Throne as well. Wait, or was that Game of Thrones??
Running mate: Jacqueline Coleman, assistant principal at Nelson County High School, founder and president of Lead Kentucky, a non-profit organization focused on education policy reform - Another we can't find anything about except that she likes cheese and will knife you if you try to take her cheese, a hard lesson Andy discovered when he tried to steal her cheese.
3.Adam Edelen, former Auditor of Public Accounts of Kentucky - is from the future, 2930, where he discovered that if he doesn't become governor, the world will end. "You must elect me!! Don't you get it!!! If you want to live, ELECT ME!" We don't quite understand how it effects us, seeing how he's from 2930 but...
Running mate: Gill Holland, filmmaker and urban developer - Makes snuff films using Barbie dolls. Very controversial. We <3 Gill!!!!
4. Geoff Young, perennial candidate, retired engineer, candidate for Governor of Kentucky in 2015, candidate for Kentucky's 6th congressional district in 2014, 2016 and 2018, Green Party nominee for the 45th district in the Kentucky House of Representatives in 2012 - Keeps running and well, keeps running. Go Geoff!!!
Running mate: Joshua N. French - Likes to french kiss porcupines. That's all we got!!!
So there's the run down on the low down. Our predictions are below for the final game ----
Republican Candidate in November: Matt Bevin because he has a winning smile and isn't afraid to use it.
Democratic Candidate in November: Andy Beshear because he has a winning smile and isn't afraid to use it.
Who will win? It'll be a close no holds barred fight but in the end, there can be only one. This candidate might be the most hated governor in all of the United States but it's Kentucky, we can marry our sisters and procreate so....uh......hi Governor Matt Bevin, you know which way to the office!! (kidding about the procreating with our sisters. I think....)
Good night and have a better tomorrow.
