THE DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATES WHO WANT TO BE CRUSHED BY PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP - 2020 Presidential Election

 Tuesday July 30th, 2019 - Somewhere, South Dakota 

Subject: Who da fuck can beat a God at the Game?

Apparently this evening, there was a debate involving a bunch of wet noodles who want to be the Democratic nomination to try and run against a God, President Donald J. Trump.

I, your angry pelican of a reporter, decided to miss the debates, as I've already decided who I will be voting for in 2020.

NONE OF THE ABOVE!!

But apparently, there are some people who do give a shit, mostly angry Canadians hoping to destroy our sweet life in these here United States of a America, or the good ole USA and misfits.

Lots of misfits and snowflakes.

But I digress.

I was inspired to write this blog by a piece that showed up on my MSN.com about these Democratic candidates.

Apparently there are 40,827,198 of them wishing to become one.

A big fat loser.

So I decided to sweep through the list and rummage through the trash and give you, my five readers, the low down on the low down.

Tonight 10 of these people went on CNN and wet themselves.

I'll assume.

I don't watch CNN.

That's for commies and hippies.

I'm a red blooded American, I watch the monster truck rally!!!

And drink beer.

And not that cheap Canadian shit either!!

American beer.

Made by Germans.

Or South Africans.

#MakeAmericaGreatAgain Bring back American Brewers!!!

Damn foreigners buying our beer companies.

Here's the 10 ----

1. Michael Bennet - Michael Bennet is some kind of business man or an alien from the planet Dufus. Either way, he's a commie.  There, we said it.  Since 2009 he's been a senator from Colorado.

Colorado?

Only commies and liquored up police officers come from Colorado and I don't see any blue lights!

He believes we should rely on the people voting in the prez and not some electoral college.

Damn commies!!

Also believes in raising the minimum wage up to 12 dollars an hour.

COMMIE!! With a capital C!!

Website - https://michaelbennet.com/

2. Joe Biden Joe, oh Joe, you molesting pig farmer and once VP of the United States of America.

Joe believes in killing everybody just for the pure enjoyment of killing people!!

Don't believe me, Google! I know, right?

Joe believes pig farts causes global warming.

He also believes in a $15 an hour minimum wage.

Damn commie!!!

Website - https://joebiden.com/

3. Cory Booker Cory Booker wants to eat your children and dunk you in hot sauce and serve you to the illegals crossing our borders every day to rape, murder, sodomize and defile our public accountants.

That's all I have to say about that.

Website - https://corybooker.com/

4. Steve Bullock Steve Bullock only has one good thing about him, he from Montana, my home state.  He murdered a whole family of ducks just to watch them die.

Who could even think about voting for such a man?

Red blooded Americans, that's who, too bad, he's a Commie.

Can't vote for a commie!!!

Website - https://stevebullock.com/

5.Pete Buttigieg GAY!!!  Just read his name!!!

Don't need a gay President!!!

NEXT!!  

Website - https://peteforamerica.com/

Okay, that's enough of that.

If'n ya wanna read the rest, you can go here --- https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/the-democratic-candidates-who-want-to-face-trump/ar-AAEmD6T?li=BBnb7Kz&ocid=mailsignout

Rest of the candidates from the list....

Without my great informant commentary!!!

Julian Castro

Bill de Blasio

John Delaney

Tulsi Gabbard

Kirsten Gillibrand

Kamala Harris

John Hickenlooper

Jay Inslee

Amy Klobuchar

Wayne Messam

Seth Moulton

Beto O'Rourke

Tim Ryan

Bernie Sanders

Joe Sestak

Tom Steyer

Elizabeth Warren

Marianne Williamson

Andrew Yang

The Democratic Primaries for Governor of the Great State of Kentucky: Who gives a fruck?

2019 Kentucky Gubernatorial Election - Who gives a Fuck?

So it is once again getting closer to election time; 2020 fast approaches us when we, the people of the greatest country in the world (that country being denial) will cast our votes for our leader and Florida will flip a coin and decide the winner.

It's a strange system but it's ours.

I live in the great state of Denial aka Kentucky where this year, 2019, we will decide in open combat who our governor will be.

The primaries, to vote who will get to be sent to the gladiatorial arena in November will be May 21st, 2019 with the main election on November 5th.

The incumbent governor, voted most hated governor in the entire country, is Matt Bevin, he pissed off the teachers of the state, which is kind of a bad thing but doesn't mean he'll get his ass handed to him.

So here we go -----

THE REPUBLICANS

1. Matt Bevin -  Current governor of Kentucky - Will kill for votes. He means it too!!! Endorsed by Trump which means, he loves the orange sauce at Kim Jung Italian Restaurant.
Running mate - Ralph Alvarado - state senator - once seen Elvis in a Kmart in 2013.  Me too! Me too!

2. Robert Goforth - state representative - Likes to try on hats at Target and then pretend to be cool. He is. So cool. So very very cool!! Running mate: Mike Hogan - Lawrence County Attorney - Hulk Hogan's illegitimate cousin. Not really but wouldn't that be crazy!?

3. Ike Lawrence, candidate for mayor of Lexington in 2018 - Once killed a man for trying to steal his 7-Up. Really hates "I like Ike" jokes but look at the url for his website!!! Good one Ike!!!. Running mate: James Anthony Rose, semi-retired - Doesn't know what year it is and doesn't care. "It's 2192 right?" Right James!!!

4. William Woods, candidate for the 66th district in the Kentucky House of Representatives in 2012 - Hates it when people tell him "Wood" jokes but kinda likes it too. Once killed a grizzly bear with his left big toe. "Beat that Bevin!!!" Running mate: Justin Miller, mathematics and middle grades educator - We got nothing on Justin except he likes to calculate the square root of a billion. A LOT!!!

THE DEMOCRATS
(Disclaimer - I will admit, I am a registered communists and/or Democrat! I will be voting in the Democratic primary but will be just as brutal in my research as I was for the Republican!)

1. Rocky Adkins, minority leader of the Kentucky House of Representatives - Plays the banjos with his teeth, when he can find his teeth. We like Rocky just because of his name. Adkins is a funny name.
Running mate: Stephanie Horne, former member of the Jefferson County Board of Education for the 3rd district - Hid Rocky's teeth until he made her his running mate.  Good job Stephanie.

2. Andy Beshear, Attorney General of Kentucky - His dad was once governor or mayor or dog catcher in Kentucky and Andy wants to show his old man that he too can rule on the Iron Throne as well. Wait, or was that Game of Thrones??
Running mate: Jacqueline Coleman, assistant principal at Nelson County High School, founder and president of Lead Kentucky, a non-profit organization focused on education policy reform - Another we can't find anything about except that she likes cheese and will knife you if you try to take her cheese, a hard lesson Andy discovered when he tried to steal her cheese.

3.Adam Edelen, former Auditor of Public Accounts of Kentucky - is from the future, 2930, where he discovered that if he doesn't become governor, the world will end.  "You must elect me!! Don't you get it!!! If you want to live, ELECT ME!" We don't quite understand how it effects us, seeing how he's from 2930 but...
Running mate: Gill Holland, filmmaker and urban developer - Makes snuff films using Barbie dolls. Very controversial. We <3 Gill!!!! 

4. Geoff Young, perennial candidate, retired engineer, candidate for Governor of Kentucky in 2015, candidate for Kentucky's 6th congressional district in 2014, 2016 and 2018, Green Party nominee for the 45th district in the Kentucky House of Representatives in 2012 - Keeps running and well, keeps running. Go Geoff!!!
Running mate: Joshua N. French - Likes to french kiss porcupines. That's all we got!!!

So there's the run down on the low down. Our predictions are below for the final game ----

Republican Candidate in November: Matt Bevin because he has a winning smile and isn't afraid to use it.

Democratic Candidate in November: Andy Beshear because he has a winning smile and isn't afraid to use it.

Who will win? It'll be a close no holds barred fight but in the end, there can be only one. This candidate might be the most hated governor in all of the United States but it's Kentucky, we can marry our sisters and procreate so....uh......hi Governor Matt Bevin, you know which way to the office!! (kidding about the procreating with our sisters.  I think....)

Good night and have a better tomorrow. 

Why I stopped wanting to be President --- or how I learned to love and embrace The Bomb! Inspired by a reading by William Burroughs

WHY I STOPPED WANTING TO BE PRESIDENT

Inspired by William Burroughs

by

A Random Citizen

1996 -- the year I learned that I wasn't meant for politics.

Even before then, I never wanted to be President of the United States of America, it seemed like a thankless job even for the best of the best; and I am far from the best of anything.

In 1996, I was looking for work, ways to make a paycheck, and one of my family's friend worked for a Senator for the great State of Montana.

He was up for re-election and was campaigning for the good of the country and my friend was like, "You'd be perfect!!"

She didn't tell me that five other people had ran off after seeing the piles of work that were to be done; she lied to me,telling me it was basic computer work, data entry mostly, updating their supposedly all ready worked data base (side note: They had paid some company over $10,000 to update this thing, removing the dead, the changed party, etc.  Apparently, I would later find out, as I got to call supposed alive Democrats from that database, the company did a shit job for that $10,000 as widows cried or some fellow yelled at me he was now a Republican and to remove him from my list.  My list?? Kiss off Henry, you're getting added to next year's call me every day for ten weeks list!!!!)

It turned into many, many weeks, huddled around the office, trying to contact people to help "Get out the vote" who wouldn't help till that last minute, so they could take credit for a job well done, pulling our butts out of the fire; not hours, but days, I'm not joking.

I had a rifle stuck out the door at one place we stopped to ask if they would let us put a sign on their lawn, calling us "Baby killers", to get off their porch before they shot us dead!

"So can we count on your vote in November?"

All for the low pay of $500 for two months of running around; finding out I'm not meant for politics, let alone life, and my dreams of becoming a dancer were squashed as well as I twisted my ankle trying to run to the post office across the street, slipping on some ice, and falling hard on my butt one day.

(Side note- I was told there'd probably be a bonus, a BIG bonus at the end, but I guess there wasn't enough money left for my bonus, after they paid off the cocaine and hooker bill!!!)

I learned the only difference between a Republican and a Democrat is the color of their ties.

And one likes bourbon in their gin.

I learned that politicians will tell you one thing and hump your butt with their fist!

When I was a child, going to elementary school, back in the mid 1970s, the teachers would ask to write an essay, that most important essay, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

I decided I would start my career early as a sarcastic writer early in life and wrote how I wanted to be a space pirate.

Some of the kids decided to say they wanted to be president.

My teacher smiled at theirs, big swooping blue smile faces on their pages, A+ grade and a "Good job!! You'll be a great president!!" but knowing full well, they'd end up as a dog poop picker upper.

My teacher just sighed and patted my head.

"I don't think you took this assignment very serious Jason, did you?" she said as she placed my paper on the desk.

D minus and a sad face, she wanted to put tears on the face but deep down she knew I had a better chance at obtaining my career goals than those kids.

I could have lied, but what lesson would that have taught me?

"Lie to get good grades!! What a potential senator of mass murderer would do!!"

She told me to stay after class, to clean the chalk board and erasers.

I got really good at cleaning the chalk board and erasers that year.

I knew from an early age I couldn't be President.

First off, I don't like babies even enough to hold them correctly let alone kiss them and lie and say, "What a cute baby!"

Can't we all agree that babies all look like ugly aliens and move on from there?

Secondly, I'm not meant for politics, I tell the truth too easily which would get me assassinated quickly into my presidency.

And thirdly, I just couldn't resist nuking my old school enemies who now live in California.

What became of me?

I'm a sarcastic asshole whose friends don't know whether or not I'm joking sometimes.

What became of those "Presidents"?

They dead.

Well, some of them.

The one ran for senator in Wyoming.

Then died.

True story.

The others?

Who knows!

Probably drug dealers!

Good night and have a better tomorrow!

WHO DA FRUCK IS RUNNING FOR GOVERNOR OF OKLAHOMA? A Midterm Report 2018

WHO DA FRUCK IS RUNNING FOR GOVERNOR OF OKLAHOMA? 

A Midterm Report 2018

By

Bob Xavier Williams

Here we are, little over two weeks until the Midterm elections are ranging upon us like some oversexed college student on spring break!

This blog we'll look into the governor race for the great state of Oklahoma!!

What makes it so great?

Hot babes and ton of beer!

The current governor, seen below, is unable to run again this time around due to term limits!

She very sad but it does mean, new candidates for the job!

And we couldn't be more excited!!!

current governor of Oklahoma - Republican Mary Fallin 

The Republicans are putting up -----

(Apparently Wikipedia has no photo of Kevin, go to his site to see his face!)

KEVIN STITT

(REPUBLICAN)

Website: https://www.stittforgovernor.com/

WHAT ABOUT KEVIN?

Kevin is a conservative businessman.

Or a Nazi Vampire.

We're not sure.

His dad was a priest, of, we thing, the High Church of Satan, but we could be wrong!

One of these days we hope to learn how to read.

Kevin wants to go up to the State Capitol and kill everyone with his good looks and bright white teeth.

We're pretty sure we got that right looking at the picture of him and his family, his wife - Aquafina holding their blessed little child Aug and the other twenty seven kids gathered about like some sort of TLC show.

That's all we can find about Kevin - no date of birth, only that his dad was a preacher man and Kevin started a financing company with a $1000 and a computer.

A computer he stole from Radio Shack.

We kid.

He stole it from Sears.

WHY KEVIN?

Kevin wants to streamline both financially and logistically all the branches and departments of the Oklahoma government body.

"It too fat!! We need to cut and cut deep!! Do we really need all of these departments?"

We sure don't!!!

He also wants to reform education.

"Our kids are dumb! Why? Bloated education system!! We need to teach the 3 Rs again - Republican, R, Rite!"

Kevin wants to bring jobs back to Oklahoma, through attracting companies back to the state.

"Good jobs for good people!! The sooner the better!! Har! Har!"

We don't get the joke either!!!

He believes agriculture should be brought back to the #1 position as well as Pro-Life!

"We need more babies for them farms!!"

He's right, you know!! Har! Har!!

We made that joke up just now.

"I don't get it!!"

Kevin believes everyone should get a gun.

Two if you nice!!!

DREW EDMONDSON

(DEMOCRAT)

Website:https://drewforoklahoma.com/

WHO IS DREW?

Drew is the former attorney general of Oklahoma.

Drew was born in Oklahoma, he's (according to his website) for Oklahoma.  

Unless Kansas gives him a better offer!!

Yes, he does look like an insurance salesman.

Or a used car salesman!

"My father told me I should have became a preacher!"

He was born on October 12th, 1946.

At least with Drew we got a photo and a birthday!

WHY DREW?

Apparently both sides can agree that Oklahoma's schools are a mess and need fixing and quickly!

"We have too many dumb kids in our school system.  My plan is to kill all the stupid kids and process them into nutritional food for the rest!"

Good idea Drew. 

You sure you're not Republican.

Drew also wants to fix Oklahoma's broken government.

"I want to kill everyone who doesn't contribute to the process and leave the good ones!"

Again, another winning idea!!

No new taxes!! And kill all the sick people!!

DREW!!!!

His wife Linda has a blog too!!!

Most of these candidates just have their wives sit there and look pretty, not Drew.

"Drew is the man to bring Oklahoma into the 20th Century!!"

And we believe her!!!

CHRIS POWELL

(LIBERTARIAN)

Website:http://www.powellforgovernor.com 

WHAT ABOUT CHRIS?

Chris was in the movie series Harry Potter.

We kid but in his publicity shots, it sure does look like he could have been.

His father was a truck driver and his mom was a book keeper and now, this Libertarian (which is an old Indian word for no chance in hell) wants to be governor!!

"I can do it!!" 

We think he can but then we also eat lead paint chips our entire life.

Chris believes that nobody knows our kids, not in DC or even at the state house, so why the fuck bother.

Seriously, go to his website, click issues and read his stance on education.

Don't tell me I can't translate issues speak!!!

Chris believes we should execute everyone, even if they haven't committed a crime.

"I do not!!"

He basically believes that everyone should have a gun, to "protect themselves", as stated in the Constitution.

You go look, I'll wait.

He also wants to legalize the pot.

We like him for that.

He thinks everyone should have access to Healthcare, even the commies.

We kinda like Chris but he has no chance in Hell.

WHO WILL WIN?

If we were a betting man, we'd say a wet towel will win.

Or that Kevin fellow.

He's Republican.

We're not against Republicans but we just don't like betting on them.

And he doesn't have a birthday!!

That's kinda sad!!

Good night and have a better tomorrow,

WHO THE FRUCK IS RUNNING FOR SENATOR FOR THE GREAT STATE OF UTAH?

WHO DA FRUCK IS RUNNING FOR SENATOR OF THE GREAT STATE OF UTAH?

By

Bob Xavier Williams

Another fun night and another blog about the midterm elections.

Tonight we travel to the exotic state of Utah, where the grass is a nice shade of brown and the girls, well, they girls, what else do you need?

HERE'S UTAH!!! Say hello Utah!!

"Hi!"

So now that we got that over with, we can move onto the race itself.

MITT ROMNEY

REPUBLICAN

WEBSITE: pornhub.com JUST KIDDING!!! https://www.romneyforutah.com/

WHO IS MITT?

Mitt was born on a warm brisk day March 12th, 1947 in Detroit, Michigan, to aliens.  From Jupiter.

Don't believe me, Google it!!

I know!! Who knew!!

Mitt tried to run for president a few times, getting his ass handed to him a few times, he jumped on the Trump train once, said fuck that, got off and is now KISS MY BUTT TRUMP.

He married his wife in 1969.  *Giggle* 1969.

And killed his first dog in 1971.

Bad Mitt!!

He started some companies, made a butt load of nickels and soon was back on the road to D.C.

"I'm for Utah but I kinda want to leave!!"

WHY MITT?

Mitt is for Utah.

Mitt is Utah!

Boring as hell and make you want to drive to Wyoming for booze!

MITT!!!!

He also spells his name with four letters, just like Utah!!

He believes in the Constitution, Apple Pie, Jesus was a Jew and other fun time activities all rolled up into some ideals that could pass for Human which, we all know, Mitt is not human!!!

Damn cyborgs trying to take over the world.

Like them damn dirty apes!!!

MITT'S THEME SONG ---- Marilyn Manson's The Beautiful People

NEWS STORIES WE FOUND WHILE SEARCHING FOR STUFF TO POST ----

Source:https://www.sltrib.com/news/politics/2018/10/15/poll-mitt-romney-winning/
Three-fourths of Utah’s Democratic voters plan to vote for Jenny Willson in next month’s U.S. Senate election, according to a new Salt Lake Tribune-Hinckley Institute of Politics poll.

But that’s where the good news for Wilson ends, as the poll shows her opponent Mitt Romney winning among men, women, all age groups, Republicans and unaffiliated voters, for an overall lead of 59 percent to Wilson’s 23 percent.

JENNY WILSON

DEMOCRAT  

WEBSITE: SPANKME.COM again, just kidding!! https://wilsonforsenate.com/

WHAT ABOUT JENNY?

Forrest Gump likes her.

Ha! Ha!

Just kidding, you knew though we were going to open with that joke.

Jenny is from Utah, a 5th generation Utahan, mother, daughter, killer of Giants and all that jazz most candidates say in their bios.

She was born on November 1st, 1965 in Salt Lake City, Utah, that place that is known for its fast cars, fast booze, and people named Steve.

She did stuff too, like run a city into the ground, killed some people and blamed it on Mitt who, ya gotta admit, looks like he would kill people.

Jenny doesn't.

Jenny looks sweet and innocent but if Utah sends her to DC, she'll come back with many shrunken heads and the title DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!

WHY JENNY?

Jenny wants to reunite immigrant families torn apart by President Trump's policy of ripping families apart.

"I did NOT rip families apart!!" President Trump interrupts "FAKE NEWS!! FAKE NEWS!!"

She does not support the GOP tax plan which is aimed more towards giving heartless corporations the tax breaks which they say will trickle down to the poor.

"Yea!! Fuck that!!" Jenny throws in. "Only thing going to trickle down is piss and they'll tell the poor, IT;S RAINING!!" 

Jenny btw, is a mean drunk.

Jenny is for protecting public lands.

While Mitt wants to sell them to China.

"C.O.D!!" Mitt interjects drunk on non-alcoholic root beer.  Mitt doesn't handle booze very well.

"PARTEEEEEEEE!!!" 

Jenny wants to execute all Republicans and those Democrats who suck at the Republican's tits!!

"Enough of this bull shit, DEATH TO ALL TRAITORS TO THE KINGDOM OF S'HALL!!!" 

We had to cut Jenny off.

There's more issues but we're getting tired of typing and still have like three other candidates to go over.

"Fuck em!!" Mitt jumps in.  "This Jenny chick sounds cool!! Can I change my vote to her?"

No!!!

JENNY WILSON'S SONG --- 2Pac Fuck Em all!! 

THE OTHER CANDIDATES

Craig Bowden

Tim Aalders

Reed McCandless

Write-in candidates

Tyrone Jensen

We don't feel like going through all of these other candidates, the third parties, the independents, and the write in.

We have included the links from Ballotpedia for your perusal.

Okay, we'll do an individual profile on each!!

We're bored and still listening to Jenny's campaign song from above.

FUCK EM ALL!!!!

CRAIG BOWDEN

LIBERTARIAN

WEBSITE: "Ain't got no Website, except maybe DENUTZ.COM!!' We kid --- 

https://bowden4senate.com/

We reached out to Craig, his picture making us want to talk to the man, the myth and the legend.

"What? Who are you? ARE YOU WITH THE POLICE?? YA GOTTA TELL ME IF YOU WITH THE POLICE!" 

No man, we're None of the Above doing an in-depth analysis on the Utah Race for Senate. Wanna know, what you about?

"Dude!! I'm all about the poetry of nature as written by Marines, killing people while talking about the roses of life. You know what the roses of life is right?"

No.

"Blood motherfucker! Blood!!'

Get it!!!

"I also believe everyone should have a chance to become a rich mother fucker!!"

Us too!!!

"We should close up military bases around the world, fuck em all, like 2 Pac says, and bring them back to the States. Let them "FUCK AMERICA!!!" find out what happens when our shit ain't there!!"

HELL YEA!!!!!

"People should be allowed to arm themselves in defense of themselves, fuck these pussies who say we should outlaw guns!!! GO BACK TO COMMIELAND YOU COCK SUCKERS!!"

Hell yea!!!! GIVE EM WHAT FOR MAN!!!!! 

"We need to end this stupid war on drugs. Legalize it all, Crank it up!!"

Ooooooooh yea!! We'll vote for you Craig.

Well we have to move onto the other candidates!! Nice talking to you Craig.

"You welcome bitches!!"

TIMOTHY "TIM" AALDERS

CONSTITUTION CANDIDATE

WEBSITE: Google.com.  Ha! https://timaalders.com/

"Conservatives don't have to settle for Mitt Romney!" screams Tim when we call him up.

Alright!!!

"You want to vote for good stuff like hookers, drugs and polka parties?? VOTE FOR ME!! Mitt doesn't like polka! He even killed a dog!!! I have never killed a dog!!"

Sweet!!

Tim also believes immigrants should be allowed in the country but only legally, with sponsorship, able to learn the language of the "Americans", mostly a mix of Chinese and Pigeon.  And have a job, like working in Mexican restaurants or selling life insurance policies.

Guns for everybody.

Including your grandma.

(Yes, we know she dead!!!)

Tim has a lot of issues, mostly Obamacare is bad by raising the prices of insurance, pro-life, and some other stuff.

REED MCCANDLESS

INDEPENDENT

WEBSITE: YAHOO.COM. or 

https://mccandlessforussenate.com/

"I killed a man in Dillon Montana for trying to steal my beer!! Sent that Mother to Butte, Montana or Hell!!' Laughed the man in Black, or Reed to his friends.

"Death to my enemies!!" 

Reed was born in Dillon, Montana and raised in Montana and Idaho, making him one bad mother farmer who is sick and tired of the old blood in DC.

"I want to put some new blood into the Senate, ME!!!'

And we agree!! Too much old blood up there on the Hill!!!

TYRONE JENSEN

[NO PHOTO]

(WRITE IN - REPUBLICAN]

WEBSITE: We don't need no website, just like we don't need no photo!!!

There's nothing for Tyrone except he's running on the write-in campaign, you don't want to vote for them other bitches, you write in Tyrone and boom, you send him to the Hill.

Or don't!!

Tyrone don't give a shit.

Write or do not write.  

Just vote!

(There's photos of Tyrone out there but well, it looks cooler with no photo, no nothing, JUST VOTE!!!)

WHO WILL WIN?

If we had to choose, we'd say Tyrone for the win!!!

Haha, just kidding, we all know it's going to be our man Mitt, with that winning hair, that smile and he's already killed a dog!!!

Go Mitt!!!

The rest of you, there's always next time!!

Maybe governor Tyrone! Has a nice ring to it!!

WHO IS RUNNING FOR GOVERNOR OF THE GREAT STATE OF NEW YORK? MIDTERM 2018!!!

WHO IS RUNNING FOR GOVERNOR OF NEW YORK STATE?

BY

BOB XAVIER WILLIAMS - PhD (Post Ham Delusion)

November 6th fast approaches and we here at NONE OF THE ABOVE start a new blog post, we approach the Wheel of Elections and spin the wheel as hard as we can and it lands on New York State Governor Race!!

Hurray!!

New York, our kind of state, never ran by the "Mob" but it was ran by the "Mob"!

So we open up our favorite browser (Atari 2600!!) and wander off to Google and Ballotpedia.org and begin our adventure in politics which have become a nightly thing.

We have two main parties running candidates this time around along with 3 others, let us begin!

ANDREW CUOMO (INCUMBENT) 

"Hi! My name is Andrew and I want to kill you with love!"

(DEMOCRAT)

Website: https://www.andrewcuomo.com/

WHO IS ANDREW?

Andrew was born on December 6th, 1957 on the home world of Peru to world famous former governor Hanky Poo and his wife Huh.

We kid.

Andrew learned at a young age that modern dance was in his blood but his father, Mario, told him, "You will be governor and like it!!"

And so here is Andrew, governor of the state of New York and he wants to be re-elected.

"No, not really! I wanna DANCE!!!"

Andrew also was assistant D.A, ran his dad's campaigns and played the kazoo in an all-girl polka band in 1982.

"Really? I don't remember any of that!"

Yep!!

Andrew has done stuff, lots of stuff, good stuff, we can't tell you what kind of stuff with court cases still pending but lets just say, when Andrew buries a body, it stays buried.

Andrew lives on the 3rd moon of Exadus with his life mate of 13 years Sandra Lee and his three daughters; X'Non, Bornon and Frank.

WHY ANDREW?

"Why the fuck not?"  

We don't know!!!

Andrew has a proven track record.

He hasn't ever killed a guy who didn't deserve to die.

"Damn right!!"

Andrew believes in civil rights and stuff.

He thinks gun safety is pretty nifty too.

"BOO!!" NRA boos from the crowd.

"Shaddup NRA!!" Andrew throws back.

He thinks women should have equal rights too!!

He thinks the LGBTQ Community shouldn't be shot into space, unlike some people.  

Educational opportunities for everyone. And a healthier and cleaner New York.

He wants to build a new New York. 

Get it?

Me neither.

He wants to build a stronger Middle Class.

Who doesn't want that?

By the way, Andrew has a lot of issues!!

But the last one, he wants to battle income inequality by increasing the minimum wage to like 38 cents a day, up from 10 cents a day today!!

Go Andrew!!!!

MARCUS MOLINARO

"I coulda killed a guy, I coulda done it!! I just chose not too!"

(REPUBLICAN)

Website: https://molinaroforny.com/

WHAT ABOUT MARC?

Apparently Marc just ooze up from the ground and said, "Helllooooooo New York!!" around the time of the dinosaurs as no official date of birth or where is to be found.

Marc went to college and decided that life was too short for bad desserts and went into law for some reason.

Soon after leaving college he went into insurance sales.

"You wouldn't want something happening to your car now do ya Ma?" was his opening sales pitch.

After awhile, and acquiring the nickname "THE ENFORCER", Marc decided to enter the political arena by busting some guys knee caps and getting elected as something, we don't remember, but it was something cool.

"Board of Trustees in 1994!"

Yeah, board of trustees!! 

"My nickname wasn't THE ENFORCER it was Princess Sprinkle Dust!!"

THE ENFORCER sounds better. Guys from NY can't have Princess Sprinkle Dust as a nick name!!"

"Why not??"  Marc does a pouty face. "I like it!!" 

Marc did a butt load of other stuff in politics and even had some kids with his wife and life mate Corinne (no we're not making that up!!) 

WHY MARC?

Marc is all about property tax relief and killing monkeys.

Again, if you read our other blogs, monkeys are the evil, they are trying to take over the world.

I watched a documentary on the future where monkeys take over the world and enslave humanity.

Marc wants to stop them before they get a foot hold.

That documentary's name: THE PLANET OF THE APES!!

We do not want that planet, trust!!

Marc also wants to fix the subways, turn them into roller skating paradises, with some wicked speed, commuters will glide with ease to work, home, where ever the fuck they want to glide to.

Marc also wants to restore public trust in government.

"Why won't you love us?"

NOTE: We discovered through Googling Marc that his birthday is October 8th, 1975.  He looks a lot older than us and we were born in 1971.  Sorry Marc. Politics must be a rough sport!

NEWS STORY WE FOUND ABOUT MARC AND ANDREW - 

ALBANY - Marc Molinaro, the Republican nominee for governor, says his wife's background in marketing and design made her a great fit for a job with a construction firm in Dutchess County, where he's county executive.

Gov. Andrew Cuomo suggests it's far more nefarious.

His campaign has aired a pair of television advertisements essentially calling the job a pay-off from a firm with business before Molinaro.
The job is likely to become a major point of attack for Cuomo as the Nov. 6 general election draws near.

SOURCE: https://www.poughkeepsiejournal.com/story/news/politics/2018/09/21/marc-molinaro-andrew-cuomo-wife-job/1379505002/ 

Third party and independent candidates include retired United Parcel Service worker Howie Hawkins (Green Party), former Syracuse Mayor Stephanie Miner(I), and business consultant Larry Sharpe (L).

We really don't want to go into too much details about the other candidates as we all know there's no such thing as "A Third Party" with a chance in Hell in this modern day system of Republicans calling Democrats assholes and vice versa.

But what the hell ---

HOWIE HAWKINS

(Green Party - that means they like to drink green beer and pee green all the live long day!)

Website - A Facebook page - cause Howie is like, "Fucker, I've ran for public offices 21 times since 1993!! I don't need no HOWIEFORSHIT.COM website!!!"

Howie was born on December 8th, 1952 in San Francisco, California which you know what that means, yep, Howie is a socialist.

For you kids who don't know what a socialist is, that's another term for "Commie" Green?  More like RED!!!

GO BACK TO CALIFORNIA YA HIPPY!!!

We kid!! We like Howie. 

He's a retired postal worker.

Respect the postal worker!!

OR they'll knife ya in the gullet!!!

His chances of winning? Better than ours!!

STEPHANIE MINER

 

(INDEPENDENT)

WEBSITE: https://www.minerforny.com/

People are wondering, WHO DA HELL IS FUNDING INDEPENDENT STEPHANIE MINER'S RUN AGAINST ANDREW FOR GOVERNOR?

• Space aliens?
• The Mafia
• Howie Hawkins (See above!! He didn't want to be the only lone wolf!!! It could have happened!!!)
• Clowns?
• Republicans who don't want to see another male in a key role in politics? HAR! HAR!

She has a website which states WE ARE and they seriously use the term "WE ARE" like there's a multitude of beings inside the one, like the Borg from Star Trek: The Next Generation.

The Borg are apparently trying to take over the world one major state at a time.

"We will no longer tolerate a system that uses our tax dollars for political favors and fails to deliver what citizens need from our government."  reads a statement on the front page of the website.

We can't argue with that and by we, I mean, I, but we sounds sooooooo much cooler, like there's a whole building of us writing this blog rather than one fat old guy in his jammies writing it.

Apparently we = "Stephanie Miner for Governor" and her Lt. Governor. Michael Volpe (Again, we are not making this up, BORG I'm telling you!!!)

They belong to the SAM Party.  (SAM = Serve America Movement - no, I'm not sure sure that they don't mean how the aliens meant the "Serve Mankind" in the recipe book content reveal.  "I like to serve my America with a nice white wine!!" Michael Volpe giggles, pulling his human mask off and revealing his lizard face.

Stephanie was former mayor of Syracuse. We give her chances of winning about the same as me winning the lottery tomorrow night.

.000000002 percent!!!

LARRY SHARPE gov

LIBERTARIAN PARTY

WEBSITE: https://larrysharpe.com/

Larry was born July 12th, 1968 in NYC.  His hair ran for Vice President of The United States of America in 2016 for the Libertarian Party.

He wants to empower people of New York, by giving them all the Sharpe Hair Cut, and have them wear name tags, which will make New York a friendlier state.

I kid.

Partly.

Larry calls his plan ---- Sharpe Policy! (Get it? Neither do we, part of our problem!)

He wants to return New York to its former glory!!!

No, we're not going into his policy.  We're not that bored!! 

Larry's chances of winning are about as good as we have winning as senator for the great state of Alabama!!!

.000000000000000000000001 percent.

But good luck Larry!!

So there it is, the people on the ballot!! Enjoyable right?

"Right!!"

So go vote New York and vote well!!

Good night and have a better tomorrow!!