WHO THE FRUCK IS RUNNING FOR SENATOR FOR THE GREAT STATE OF UTAH?

WHO DA FRUCK IS RUNNING FOR SENATOR OF THE GREAT STATE OF UTAH?

By

Bob Xavier Williams

Another fun night and another blog about the midterm elections.

Tonight we travel to the exotic state of Utah, where the grass is a nice shade of brown and the girls, well, they girls, what else do you need?

HERE'S UTAH!!! Say hello Utah!!

"Hi!"

So now that we got that over with, we can move onto the race itself.

MITT ROMNEY

REPUBLICAN

WEBSITE: pornhub.com JUST KIDDING!!! https://www.romneyforutah.com/

WHO IS MITT?

Mitt was born on a warm brisk day March 12th, 1947 in Detroit, Michigan, to aliens.  From Jupiter.

Don't believe me, Google it!!

I know!! Who knew!!

Mitt tried to run for president a few times, getting his ass handed to him a few times, he jumped on the Trump train once, said fuck that, got off and is now KISS MY BUTT TRUMP.

He married his wife in 1969.  *Giggle* 1969.

And killed his first dog in 1971.

Bad Mitt!!

He started some companies, made a butt load of nickels and soon was back on the road to D.C.

"I'm for Utah but I kinda want to leave!!"

WHY MITT?

Mitt is for Utah.

Mitt is Utah!

Boring as hell and make you want to drive to Wyoming for booze!

MITT!!!!

He also spells his name with four letters, just like Utah!!

He believes in the Constitution, Apple Pie, Jesus was a Jew and other fun time activities all rolled up into some ideals that could pass for Human which, we all know, Mitt is not human!!!

Damn cyborgs trying to take over the world.

Like them damn dirty apes!!!

MITT'S THEME SONG ---- Marilyn Manson's The Beautiful People

NEWS STORIES WE FOUND WHILE SEARCHING FOR STUFF TO POST ----

Source:https://www.sltrib.com/news/politics/2018/10/15/poll-mitt-romney-winning/
Three-fourths of Utah’s Democratic voters plan to vote for Jenny Willson in next month’s U.S. Senate election, according to a new Salt Lake Tribune-Hinckley Institute of Politics poll.

But that’s where the good news for Wilson ends, as the poll shows her opponent Mitt Romney winning among men, women, all age groups, Republicans and unaffiliated voters, for an overall lead of 59 percent to Wilson’s 23 percent.

JENNY WILSON

DEMOCRAT  

WEBSITE: SPANKME.COM again, just kidding!! https://wilsonforsenate.com/

WHAT ABOUT JENNY?

Forrest Gump likes her.

Ha! Ha!

Just kidding, you knew though we were going to open with that joke.

Jenny is from Utah, a 5th generation Utahan, mother, daughter, killer of Giants and all that jazz most candidates say in their bios.

She was born on November 1st, 1965 in Salt Lake City, Utah, that place that is known for its fast cars, fast booze, and people named Steve.

She did stuff too, like run a city into the ground, killed some people and blamed it on Mitt who, ya gotta admit, looks like he would kill people.

Jenny doesn't.

Jenny looks sweet and innocent but if Utah sends her to DC, she'll come back with many shrunken heads and the title DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!

WHY JENNY?

Jenny wants to reunite immigrant families torn apart by President Trump's policy of ripping families apart.

"I did NOT rip families apart!!" President Trump interrupts "FAKE NEWS!! FAKE NEWS!!"

She does not support the GOP tax plan which is aimed more towards giving heartless corporations the tax breaks which they say will trickle down to the poor.

"Yea!! Fuck that!!" Jenny throws in. "Only thing going to trickle down is piss and they'll tell the poor, IT;S RAINING!!" 

Jenny btw, is a mean drunk.

Jenny is for protecting public lands.

While Mitt wants to sell them to China.

"C.O.D!!" Mitt interjects drunk on non-alcoholic root beer.  Mitt doesn't handle booze very well.

"PARTEEEEEEEE!!!" 

Jenny wants to execute all Republicans and those Democrats who suck at the Republican's tits!!

"Enough of this bull shit, DEATH TO ALL TRAITORS TO THE KINGDOM OF S'HALL!!!" 

We had to cut Jenny off.

There's more issues but we're getting tired of typing and still have like three other candidates to go over.

"Fuck em!!" Mitt jumps in.  "This Jenny chick sounds cool!! Can I change my vote to her?"

No!!!

JENNY WILSON'S SONG --- 2Pac Fuck Em all!! 

THE OTHER CANDIDATES

Craig Bowden

Tim Aalders

Reed McCandless

Write-in candidates

Tyrone Jensen

We don't feel like going through all of these other candidates, the third parties, the independents, and the write in.

We have included the links from Ballotpedia for your perusal.

Okay, we'll do an individual profile on each!!

We're bored and still listening to Jenny's campaign song from above.

FUCK EM ALL!!!!

CRAIG BOWDEN

LIBERTARIAN

WEBSITE: "Ain't got no Website, except maybe DENUTZ.COM!!' We kid --- 

https://bowden4senate.com/

We reached out to Craig, his picture making us want to talk to the man, the myth and the legend.

"What? Who are you? ARE YOU WITH THE POLICE?? YA GOTTA TELL ME IF YOU WITH THE POLICE!" 

No man, we're None of the Above doing an in-depth analysis on the Utah Race for Senate. Wanna know, what you about?

"Dude!! I'm all about the poetry of nature as written by Marines, killing people while talking about the roses of life. You know what the roses of life is right?"

No.

"Blood motherfucker! Blood!!'

Get it!!!

"I also believe everyone should have a chance to become a rich mother fucker!!"

Us too!!!

"We should close up military bases around the world, fuck em all, like 2 Pac says, and bring them back to the States. Let them "FUCK AMERICA!!!" find out what happens when our shit ain't there!!"

HELL YEA!!!!!

"People should be allowed to arm themselves in defense of themselves, fuck these pussies who say we should outlaw guns!!! GO BACK TO COMMIELAND YOU COCK SUCKERS!!"

Hell yea!!!! GIVE EM WHAT FOR MAN!!!!! 

"We need to end this stupid war on drugs. Legalize it all, Crank it up!!"

Ooooooooh yea!! We'll vote for you Craig.

Well we have to move onto the other candidates!! Nice talking to you Craig.

"You welcome bitches!!"

TIMOTHY "TIM" AALDERS

CONSTITUTION CANDIDATE

WEBSITE: Google.com.  Ha! https://timaalders.com/

"Conservatives don't have to settle for Mitt Romney!" screams Tim when we call him up.

Alright!!!

"You want to vote for good stuff like hookers, drugs and polka parties?? VOTE FOR ME!! Mitt doesn't like polka! He even killed a dog!!! I have never killed a dog!!"

Sweet!!

Tim also believes immigrants should be allowed in the country but only legally, with sponsorship, able to learn the language of the "Americans", mostly a mix of Chinese and Pigeon.  And have a job, like working in Mexican restaurants or selling life insurance policies.

Guns for everybody.

Including your grandma.

(Yes, we know she dead!!!)

Tim has a lot of issues, mostly Obamacare is bad by raising the prices of insurance, pro-life, and some other stuff.

REED MCCANDLESS

INDEPENDENT

WEBSITE: YAHOO.COM. or 

https://mccandlessforussenate.com/

"I killed a man in Dillon Montana for trying to steal my beer!! Sent that Mother to Butte, Montana or Hell!!' Laughed the man in Black, or Reed to his friends.

"Death to my enemies!!" 

Reed was born in Dillon, Montana and raised in Montana and Idaho, making him one bad mother farmer who is sick and tired of the old blood in DC.

"I want to put some new blood into the Senate, ME!!!'

And we agree!! Too much old blood up there on the Hill!!!

TYRONE JENSEN

[NO PHOTO]

(WRITE IN - REPUBLICAN]

WEBSITE: We don't need no website, just like we don't need no photo!!!

There's nothing for Tyrone except he's running on the write-in campaign, you don't want to vote for them other bitches, you write in Tyrone and boom, you send him to the Hill.

Or don't!!

Tyrone don't give a shit.

Write or do not write.  

Just vote!

(There's photos of Tyrone out there but well, it looks cooler with no photo, no nothing, JUST VOTE!!!)

WHO WILL WIN?

If we had to choose, we'd say Tyrone for the win!!!

Haha, just kidding, we all know it's going to be our man Mitt, with that winning hair, that smile and he's already killed a dog!!!

Go Mitt!!!

The rest of you, there's always next time!!

Maybe governor Tyrone! Has a nice ring to it!!

WHO DA HELL IS RUNNING FOR SENATOR FOR THE GREAT STATE OF MISSOURI - An In-depth look at a campaign by a non-biased cat

WHO DA HELL IS RUNNING FOR SENATOR FOR THE GREAT STATE OF MISSOURI

A IN-DEPTH LOOK AT A CAMPAIGN BY A NON-BIASED CAT  

BY

Bob Xavier Williams

Here we are again, ready to bring you the reader some in-depth election coverage for midterm 2018.

This time, by spinning the wheel of poo, we have landed on "Senator for the Great State of Missouri".

Missouri is known for naming a river and horse flies as big as your head, just ask a native, they'll tell you.

"Sunsubabitches told my son!!! Right away!!"

So, here we go!!

CLAIRE MCCASKILL

(Democrat)

Website: https://clairemccaskill.com/

Why can't politician smile correctly?? We'll never know!

WHAT ABOUT CLAIRE?

Claire is already a senator who faced no challenger in 2012 primary but who is now facing a race of her life.  

We know jack poo about Claire's upbringing except she was born and raise in Missouri apparently in the year 2765. All human life will be destroyed, the only survivors will be senators and congressman, congressman term being so sexist it will be changed to people with beautiful hair.

Claire killed a man in 1982 and entered her life in politician.  

We kinda kid on that part but wouldn't that be awesome?

We thought so.

CLAIRE'S CAMPAIGN SONG

WHY CLAIRE?

Like most Democrats, Claire is for killing Vampire Nazis (which frightens Mitch McConnell who happens to be a Nazi Vampire!! Don't believe Google it!!!), educating our children, and creating jobs for all.

Claire thinks the opiod crisis is evil and wants to stop that.

She thinks we should support the vets.

By allowing them to build huge arks for when the rains come too fast to Missouri.

She'd like to kill a bear with her bare hands.

Get it?

Yeah, neither do we!! 

Probably what's most of our problems!!

She wants to curb sexual violence.

That's good too, unless you're a Republican who want to expand sexual violence.

News story we found - https://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2018/oct/9/claire-mccaskill-josh-hawley-missouri-senate-race-/  Apparently this is a close race and tons of outside money are flooding the state of Missouri in attempts to sway the vote to their side, this race could decide who controls the Senate so the Big Fucks are throwing their money one way or the other.

November 6th is going to be a blood bath in the state of Missouri, you wait and see.  We'll make our prediction at the end of this blog!! 

JOSH HAWLEY

(Republican)

Website: https://joshhawley.com/

"Supermodel!! Strike a pose!!"

WHAT ABOUT JOSH?

Josh is the attorney general for the state of Missouri, like most AGs, Josh wants to be the next senator from this great state and is ready to do anything.

And I do mean anything.  

Josh was born with a great smile and looks to kill.

When he was born, the nurses gathered around to see the great wonder that was released upon the world, like some songs sing about.

Josh taught law at some colleges, mostly how not to be a lawyer.

But politics, like all the great souls of the world, called to Josh.

So Josh left the fancy world of fast cars and faster women that academic provide and went into politics, with a great smile and even better hair.

Josh has two awesome beautiful kids with his wife who is named Wild Child in most biographies.

We <3 Josh.  

JOSH CAMPAIGN SONG

WHY JOSH?

Josh is a Constitutional Conservative which means he'll kill you with the constitution, shoving it right up your butt and turning it around to face the wraith of God.

Josh also believe companies shouldn't have to pay for your wild romps in Cleveland and then ending up pregnant.

He's the one who helped give Hobby Lobby the right to not have to pay for your abortions, you sick perverted freak!

Shame on you!! PENNY BETWEEN THE KNEE slut will help keep the preggos away!!

Josh also believes that states should have the rights to kill you or anything else they want to do without Washington (that's DC!!!) stepping all over the rights of states, go away DC, you're not wanted here in Missouri!!

That's about all we could find on Josh's issues.

Mostly you can have abortions but not on Hobby Lobbies dime and don't tread on me.  

Nothing on gun rights but we bet Josh likes to shoot some liberals right up the ass.

And not in that homosexual way, Josh is all heterosexual beyond words.

(Note to reader - There are a few independents and third party members running too!! Go check them out here --- https://ballotpedia.org/United_States_Senate_election_in_Missouri,_2018

WHO WILL WIN?

Apparently, this is a bloody and heated race, both sides are flooding the airwaves with negative ads, Josh telling everyone Claire is a poo poo head and Claire telling everyone that Josh likes to artifically inseminate bulls.

What?

Right now, the polls are basically showing a dead even race with no winner in sight as of the writing of this blog.

The Libertarians and Green Party have some candidates in there but they're just taking votes from both sides with no chance in hell to really win.

Kids this is going to be the race that you tell your grandchildren about, like, "Yep, I was 8 years old when that race was held!!"

"Who won Grandpa?"

"I don't remember!!!"

And that's basically where we are here at None of the Above, in the who knows category.

Wait and see!!!

Good night and have a better tomorrow!

WHO IS RUNNING FOR SENATOR OF THE GREAT STATE OF MONTANA - An In-depth review!

Hello, salutations and greetings from Mars.

I'm your roving reporter, Sheila Mibutzkiurts, roving around the country, in these United States of America, to report to you, THE MIDTERM ELECTIONS 2018!!!

We got some good races and we'll report them fairly (Psst. Not really!! We're biased towards gin!!)

Today's blog entry is a look at the Senatorial Race for the Great State of Montana.

For you folks who don't know, Montana is a state.

I know, who knew?!

And it has like two senators, mostly imaginary, who every so often have to fight for their job.

This year, the election will be held on November 6th, 2018!

According to records, I am still registered to vote there but I moved a year ago to the land of Mitch McConnell aka Kentucky, which, if you didn't know, is also a state.

Surprise!!!

So who do we have running for senator in Montana?

LETS FIND OUT!!!

Note to the readers - We'll be getting our information mostly from Ballotpedia.org, found here ---  https://ballotpedia.org/United_States_Senate_election_in_Montana,_2018  If you don't like our reporting, you can just go fruck yourself with a dead porcupine!!

The Democrats, the Party hoping to win back the nice shiny, have in their corner, the incumbent, Jon Tester, his friends call him Apple Jacks for some strange reason and his favorite color is purple and red polka dots.  

The Republicans, the Party hoping to kill all the small children in the world and getting pretty close to that, have in their corner, A DIRTY SOCK, I kid, they have Matt Rosendale, whose friends call him every time they get thrown into jail for bail money, don't believe, you're a Commie!!

There's even a Libertarian whose name is WRITE IN CANDIDATE HERE! I kid again, his name is Rick Breckenridge, whose friends call him *CENSORED FOR YOUR PROTECTION* and if he was a state, we'd bet he'd be disowned and sold off to the Russians.

Lets begin!!

JON TESTER 

(D) (Incumbent - Likes to hunt small children for sport)

Website:https://www.jontester.com/

HEY JOHN, WHO ARE YOU?

Jon was born someplace in the year 1956, we believe it was Havre, but some say he may have born on Mars, my home planet, which, there is no shame in that.

Jon is a farmer; a rancher; or a self-declared Nazi Vampire Hunter.

We're not really sure.

(One of these days we hope to learn how to read!! Make writing these blogs that much easier!!!)

Apparently, Jon comes from Montana.

Or Mars.

SEE ABOVE!

Jon is already senator of the great state of Montana and wants to continue to do so.

Can he succeed?

Some people say FRUCK YOU!! GET THAT MICROPHONE OUTTA OF MY FACE!!!

Those people are bastards and need a nap!!

WHY JON?

So what's Jon's stance on the issues?

Well, glad you asked.

He wants to serve veterans.

In a tasty soup!

He wants to invest in school children.

Okay, change invest to serve and in a tasty soup!

He wants to keep public lands in the public's hands!!

Or sell them to China.

Or maybe that's the other guy.

He wants to create good jobs.

Or tacos.

We're not sure.

And he wants to keep Washington accountable.

Or sell them to China.

Again, we really need to learn how to read.

MATT ROSENDALE

(R) (likes to hunt small children for sport)

Website: https://www.mattformontana.com/

HEY MATT! WHO ARE YOU?

Matt is a Trump stump, which means he blows donkeys for pocket change.  Seriously, go Google!! See? Could I make that up?

Matt isn't born and raise Montanan but has been here long enough to know, if you say, I'LL SHOOT ANYTHING THAT MOVES!! you'll get the typical Montana voters' vote!!

Don't believe me, run for Senator and say "I wanna take your guns away!" you'll be dead before noon of your announcement.

Matt and his wife like to ranch gophers.

I like gophers too!!

He worked as a real estate professional in Maryland but that was years ago, before humans learned how to write their names in crayons!!

WHY MATT?

Matt wants what we all want; to blow up stuff and video tape it to YouTube, make a million dollars the easy way, but Matt wants to be Montana's senator and he's all for guns, a Supreme Court full of wild turkey, protect them public lands or sell them all to China,  kill all the illegal immigrants, kill all the unhealthy and poor, and if the time is right, cake for all.

Sounds pretty sweet to us!!

'Really?"

Nah!! 

RICK BRECKENRIDGE

(L)(Surprisingly doesn't like to hunt small children for sport!!)

Website: ???

HEY RICK! WHO ARE YOU?

"I am the night!!"

Seriously though, there's no bio or anything, we did read an article that basically says Rick could be a factor in this election, mostly to Jon's defeat.

Kids, it's a close race, anyone could win, except Rick, Libertarians have a tough uphill battle in their attempts to get elected.

People want their Senators to hunt small children for sport!!

WHY RICK?

Why not!!

He seems nice.

"Really?"

How would I know?

Basically what I know about Libertarians is, they run in every election, from dog catcher to President of the United States of America, they stand for aliens and magic brownies and in this crazy world, that seems alright!!!

WHO WILL WIN?

This is a tight race, polls are close, and the winner could be a surprise (READ RICK!!!).  Apparently according to reports, Rick is the spoiler, he could take away votes from Jon and Matt will be swept in as the Senator of Montana.

Or, if enough pot is smoked, Republican voters could say, WE LIKE IKE!! And Jon continues as Senator for the Great State of Montana.

Or Georgia.

We're still undecided but hoping for Jon, he nice.

Sent us a card when our poppa passed away.

Did Matt send us a card?

Da hell no he didn't!!!

Rick sent us pot.

We LOVE Rick!!

So go vote, vote often, and remember, WE LOVE POT!!! 

Good night and have a better tomorrow!!!